Wheems and Phineas

The Cosmic Staff Draws

Everybody wonders what the staff looks like, who are the faces behind those voices? That is why we are drawing each other and leaving nothing to the imagination...



Ken by Phineas

TMITH with Sally (in the background) by Wheems

Wheems: TMITH's dull almost comatose expression never varies, he wears his hat continuously. He wears it to bed, even in the shower - he never takes it off. His wife is very muscular and is always wearing super hero tights. She is shown here trying to get him to take his lunch to work at the salt mines. His house is American enough but has some too quaint touches that make it almost Bulgarian.
Wait this isn't for a comic strip? How come TMITH has drawn me as a cartoon character?


Wheems and Phineas by TMITH

 

 

Deegans Photo Tuesday

It's not Tuesday and it's not a photo

Split balance. Deegan tries to draw TMITH (on left) Image split and recombined (middle and right)

 Part of our series of staff portraits by other staff members. Everyone on staff will be drawn by everyone else on staff. No holds barred.

TMITH: There is simply no way I am that ugly. My chin looks like it takes up half my face. You can't draw portraits very well.
Deegan: It looks just like you. You can't face reality.
TMITH: It looks like a police sketch mock up.
Deegan: ____ you. Hey, look what Sally came up with!

 Deegan: That's you! Now THAT is what you really look like! Face it!
Sally: I call it  "The Construct of  TMITH"
TMITH: Construct? You guys are giving me a complex... my nose! Sally, what's up with that?
Sally: The first nose was too small so I put one on that fit over it.

Sam The Synergistic Mystic - Voodoo Child

Questions and answers from one of our most sincere advice columnists.



TMITH - Art Deco inspired railing circa 1988 (destroyed 2015) photo by Reynard



Dear Sam

Well, the night I was born, Lord I swear the moon turned a fire red
The night I was born, I swear the moon turned a fire red
Well my poor mother cried out "Lord, the gypsy was right!"
And I seen her, fell down right dead. (Have mercy)!*
Sam, that being said - what I want to know is this. Am I a voodoo child? This is really bothering me.

Signed, Bob.

Dear Bob,

Did mountain lions find you there waiting, and afterward set you on an eagles back? What? You don’t remember? Are your arrows made of desire? You are not sure? You don’t even have any arrows now, do you Bob? Well I guess we know now what the answer is now, don’t we. You are not a voodoo child. You - Bob, are an Episcopalian.

Dear Sam

     I saw an ad on TV for a car/truck that you could drive offroad for all the thrills and excitement that car driving can be. So I went and paid an exhorbitant amount for an exhilarating machine. I drove about 500 miles to get deep into the appalachian countryside and took my machine off-road for some ultimate driving experience. I've bumped my head on the ceiling of the truck a few times for excitement, but now I'm stuck in a ravine. My phone has no service at all and I'm lost. There are a few men with beards sticking their heads up over a ridge about half a furlong away. My question is, do you think they might help?

Felix Berenson - somewhere in Appalachia

Dear Felix,

     The men you see over the ridge are the Catska brothers. There is something definitely wrong with them. Get out of your car and run! Follow the tiremarks in that red clay until you hit the highway and pray they don't catch up to you. Godspeed.

Sam,
     I like doing laundry but this is ridiculous! It's getting to be more and more of a drag. I live in a cabin with seven little men. They work in a mine everyday. Do you know how dirty they get? I can't take it anymore. I need OUT. If a handsome prince doesn't show up soon and get me the hell out of here I don't know what I'm going to do. P.S. On top of that some old lady keeps bringing me skanky apples. I think she's trying to poison me. WTF!

Sylvia 'Snow' White, Brisket Diamond Mines, South Africa

Dear Sylvia,

     From what I hear they are paying you in diamonds for your night work. Does the prince know about that? Instead of waiting for your prince to come perhaps you should go out and get him - but not before you do a little introspection. Do you really want to leave? Do you know how much those men love you? Is not the love you get from the stubby seven far superior to what some spoiled brat-prince will offer, especially after he tires of you in three or four months? Think about it, unless you are into royal balls, fancy clothes servants bringing you food and people doing your laundry. Plus the ability to keep a stable of virile studs - to see to your every wuthering desire, (of which you have plenty). Then I guess its a no brainer.

  *From "Voodoo Child" - by Jimi Hendrix

The Scot - Part 2

Putting the pleasure in

The riverboat - "La Gonda" imaginary imagery by TMITH

Ah! The victuals! On the La Gonda it is more than just fine dining. Delicate meals with courses that are considerate to your digestive process. Each course is in harmony with the last. The final fragrant bite of the one setting up your taste buds for the next which overtakes it with even more succulent drama. Your digestion moves smoothly from one phase to the next with aromas and flavors that swirl around inside your palate and brain then deliver you near to heaven. I'll admit that I partake as God allows me - and I feel blessed when the chef gives some of what the guests' eat to the staff.
     The rooms. I still manage to somehow hide and watch like I did back in the cathedral except that I'm in the vents behind the grates. In the rooms they take your simple passions and break them down into succulent bits, each one memorable and fulfilling in themselves. Then they group them and layer them such that it overwhelms the senses. I seen a few take their leave of this world while being coaxed to superior heights of ecstasy, even I cannot believe what I see at times. It is not often I do this. It's a sin burned into me by my childhood and try as I might I fall into it every now and then. The vents are cleaner than a china plate by my working through them though, so there is some good.

     I've got to get back to work. I continue with the grease, fumes and heat - sometimes when I'm down below deck, I feel that God is giving me a taste of hell. It is a reminder to behave, I must not to let my guard down! I must admit, there are aches at times in my loins so great that I might just... Stop! I must not waste my time thinking, as there are too many ways one can lose control, especially on this boat. This is my lot and I'm thankful for it. Chief engineer Thon May - true Christian, also known as 'The Scot' (Ha!) I've got to leave now, number six needs greasing.    

by PHINEAS

The Scot - Part 1 of 2

Intense praying and flagellating...

"Altar Of The Pious Prince Panglia" - by TMITH* (click for full view)  -  Can you see the Scot hiding?

     How I came to be working on the Mekong river tending to all the mechanics of this luxury river steamer is, I believe, a testament to God almighty. I'm an Irishman, not that it matters much. Them that know me call me "The Scot" and I wore myself out trying to get them to stop calling me that. These days I just accept it, because first and foremost I am merely one of God's creatures. I just move along with my duties with a view to the lord. This boat that I keep is a reconfigured commercial boat. Its a water skimming river boat with a low draft - but decked out with gambling rooms and whoring decks and other decks for those smoking opium and all manner of hallucinatory herbs and weeds the likes of which I cannot even comprehend.

      I'm a highly religious man. As a mere boy there was many a moment I would catch the priest and sister in positions unmentionable, as I was hiding behind the altar-cloth or some other darkened corner and they never saw me. At least I thought they didn't. Now that you mention it I also saw another sister with the priest too. You would think that it might've unhinged me a bit but my belief in the almighty grew ever stronger, what with the muffled wails and silenced moans of the sister, as the priest showed her over and over again what to be thankful for. The scenes acted out like a dreamy play, what with the intense praying and flagellating, before and after each occasion. It appears that since they were letting down their moral guard they decided to disable it altogether. Their activities and the methods they used to play them out still send shivers up my spine. Did I say up? I meant down.

      But let me get back to my boat, as I'm a God fearing man amidst a floating city of sin, (well maybe not a city, for the boat is not that big). Yes, even though these passengers are all slaves to pleasure and seem to thoroughly enjoy each available one, I know deep down they suffer. I work hard to make sure that everyone is well taken care of with plenty of steam and electrical power and water that you can actually drink without feeling queasy. That's me, and I do it, not for their pleasure but to keep them alive and well in order that they might have a chance for salvation! One day they may pick up the torture stake, and bear the pain of being true believers! Real, serious pain! Pain that makes you clean. Clean like me, unlike the father and sister. When they were pricked by their physical intuitions they succumbed to their desires without any regard for the faith. None at all. 

(end of part one)

by PHINEAS

*Photo "Incar" by TMITH. First T combines assorted photo parts into a montage then after about three hundred filter and layer blends he generates the incarnation. What he calls a photo "Incar"

Cain Gets Another Day

First Act Of Supremacy 

Deegan-Wheems, Cain - one of the "Good People"

It's In The Blood

Sometimes You Gotta' Howl...

TMITH'S* Horn loaded low frequency speaker system in an exploded view, totally unrelated to our feature

So impressed was I with the last full moon, I stood outside with only a towel on and did my very best impression of a wolf howl. I tried it quite a few times.

 

     All of my neighbors thought it fascinating and wanted to share the spectacle with the local police, so they gave them a call. My wolf sense tingled, I could feel the police car turning the corner. I ran in the house and hastily put on my pajamas. I was clad only minutes before they rang the bell. Questions were asked. Lies were told. They went away. I went to sleep. My wife was not only unenthusiastic - but went so far as to demand that I never do that again. That or anything near similar.

     I assured her that I would never again respond to the moon call. That wonderfully shining disc, it’s platinum grin and subtle green tinges. It laughs with me, it sighs with me. I can feel it from here. I will stay quietly inside, shielded from it’s siren symphony - it’s warm white noise.

     Now when I feel it, I only bark a little in the bathroom, when she is not home.

by Wheems 

*Designed and built by TMITH, graphic by TMITH. 15" low excursion woofer. Excellent transient response with no horn distortion, compact due to final section of horn folding back upon the cabinet w/ removal top. For professional use.

Dictionary Of Religious Culture

Deegan's Dictionary Of Current Religious Culture

Today's post* is brought to you by Bristol, the floor wax that changes your life.

In order to create better understanding amongst the throngs of humanity we present this dictionary. Some items may take you by surprise, others you might be familiar with but do not have the authority to actually think about. Deegan gives you the insight, the scriptural basis and the logical application that allows you to think freely, so by all means do so.
Caution: Not for the easily frightened.

Armageddon     Gods recall of man version 1.0. Gods beta version, though fascinating, proves to be full of serious bugs. Humanity 2.0 is promised to be much improved, all of the fun but without the assholes. During the recall expect much terrible bloodletting and woe, as it appears to be required. See Revelation chapters 6 and 9, plus others.

Evolution     1. When something changes without anything acting on it, contrary to all known physical law. The first man evolved and his sexual counterpart evolved also - just at the right time - to procreate. (The first man said to the woman " I am glad you showed up, I did not know who I was going to bonk" ) also see Probability-2
2. Something that has been going on continuously for billions of years, that just stopped when we started paying attention.  Some point to a different color bean or moth as evolution, but higher level evolution - HAS STOPPED, perhaps even going in reverse. People are getting dumber and dumber, as evidenced by the 'murican 2016 election result.

God     1. He who makes it (everything). Maker of: roses, that funny smelling plant in somebody's grand aunts house, (I think it's Wisteria - eww!) petunias, scorpions, bedbugs, sex, sunlight, cool breezes on hot summer days and an unlimited assortment of assholes who keep coming back.
2. He who punctuates a serious discussion by killing people. During the time of the prophets, some children had the stupid gall to make fun of  Elisha (Gods' brand new prophet) as he walked up the road saying, "Go up you baldhead!". Usually smart ass kids respond well to some minor beating, starving or other abuse, but in this case God had a couple of bears (who were on their menstrual cycles) come down and tear forty two of them to pieces. See 2 Kings 2:23 also see Probability-1.

Conservatism    1. A culture of hypocrisy enlarged and magnified to the point of being undetectable by practitioners though obvious to all others. 2. Busybodies, constantly minding other peoples' business - to their detriment. "We want to make sure that nine year old child does not receive a free lunch because, God." also see Probability-3. 3. A group defined by unbelievably irrational thought processes. When they get attacked by a group of homeless people (while trying to get off the exit ramp near Denny's) their response will be to buy the local police department a Sherman tank, chain guns and rocket launchers.

Probability, Laws of: - Something to ignore altogether.  

1-Ignoring the laws of probability, one could actually believe that forty two children would wait around to be ripped to shreds by a couple of bears. It takes at least four seconds per child, did they wait in line for their turn?

2-Ignoring the laws of probability one could believe that the during crap shoot of evolution two humans arrived at the same point of evolution in the same vicinity, with just the right combination, time and sex - somewhere within a billion years. 
3-Ignoring the laws of probability conservatives believe that a society with more lower paid, desperately poor, physically and mentally ill people will somehow be a safer and stronger society. "We basically paid him less and less for more work year by year to increase profits and to build character within his mortal soul. We stand by our actions and believe in Jesus." 

Todays graphic has been shown before. It the proud and noble symbol of Bristol floor wax, that wax that makes your whole life shine.
Note: Totally Unrelated to Bristol floor finishes and polyurethanes

Flags - It's All About Them

Panel Discussion!

Art: TMITH's: "The Tax Reform Screw" - One ugly looking screw, but that is the point.

Three panelists discuss the flag and what it means...

They are:

• "Bob" Robert B. Johnson - Republican, Trump supporter and former KKK imperial dragon
• "GR" Robert GR Ganier Hampton - Black Lives Matter activist
• "Jen" Jennifer Plympton Jones - Suburban housewife from Pittsburg, PA.
  
  
  
  
  Moderator: We will start with you Jen. When you see a football player take a knee during the national anthem what do you think and feel?
  
  Jen: It reminds me of angry black people! I don't like it, they are so angry! Seems like all the time.
  
  Moderator: Why do you think they are angry?
  
  Jen: I don't know. Is it because we like to shoot them?
  
  Bob: Nobody says we like to shoot them! We have to shoot them.
  
  Moderator: Why is that? Why do we have to shoot them?
  
  Bob: Well they are sneaky, scary, lazy thugs and criminals that's why.
  
  GR: Do I scare you Bob?
  
  Bob: Nah, you're different. Besides I'm carrying a gun.
  
  Jen: Can I get one? A small one that will fit in my clutch.
  
  Moderator: Lets get back to the flag folks. Why do you feel they are sneaky and lazy?
  
  Bob: I see it every day on Fox news. Anyone black is a lazy-crazed-rioting thug! I'm surprised Obama didn't steal some furniture on the way out of the White House.
  
  Jen: I heard he did, my neighbor said they took a painting. Somebody's grandmother...
  
  Bob: I heard that too! George Washington's grandmother...
  
  GR: Hey, just a minute here!
  
  Moderator: You'll get your turn GR, just don't be so angry all the time.
  
  GR: What?
  
  Bob: You heard the man. You'd better calm your black ___ down!
  
  Moderator: Has GR hurt your feelings, Bob?
  
  Bob: Everyday! Always whining and complaining! Mooching too!
  
  Jen: He hurt my feelings too! I wish they would just go and protest in the privacy of their own homes!
  
  Moderator: Well looks like we are out of time folks! That about wraps it up.
  
  GR: It's not even about the flag!
  
  
  Moderator: (Interrupts)  Ah! <So angry>, and now here is our sponsor!
  
  
   
       

Comments:

Wendell R.: We don't want to hear that stuff while trying to watch football. Our feelings far outweigh someone actually being shot. Am I right? I hope I don't sound like a racist, because I'm the farthest thing from one.
Rendell W. : I think this is all a distraction while they ram "tax reform" up our asses.
Sylvie: It's reform so it's got to be good.

A Prophecy!

The Rise Of The Anti-Obama

Photo: Reynard - "Let him who has ears listen"

Chapter 1 (Getting A King)

1. Lies will become like honey to them and they will love the men saying them. Their hats will become as blood.
2. They will come to love hearing the dirty and filthy things and the good for nothing men who say them. They will say to themselves, “Well it is fine, it is better than a she-demon.“
3. Then they will put hats on and say incredibly stupid things while becoming violent and filled with hate inspired sayings. Then they will brag about the terrible things their ancestors did, they and their klansmen, all while claiming to be holy and God fearing.
4. Then in a flash of inspiration they will cry out, “We have a great idea, how about getting a grifter to be king over all of us!” Then they will find a stupid man filled with hate who says senseless things.
5. Their choice will be a depraved man who grabs womens’ loins. When he does it they will say “It is fine really, because nobody is perfect.“
6. The king will have monkeys who will chatter for him, “See what a great leader he is, he has blown something up !” and, “See what a great leader he is, he has not blown something up!” “Look he is sitting still and quiet, he is contemplative.” (even though that will not happen) “See! Now he is yelling things, because he is forceful!” People will watch the foxy monkeys and believe. When he evacuates his bowels, They will say, "Oh my, how great is he!"
7. They will love his vile utterances and stupid ideas saying, “A wall, a wall, a wall will save us!” None of it will make any sense, but a man called Sean and the rest of the chattering monkeys will lick at the waste of the vile one.
8. Their own hypocrisy they will sniff at saying, “We like that smell, please give us more.” and piles upon piles of excrement will come - so much as to be beyond comprehension.

Chapter 2 (The Hypocrites)

1. Look for the sign of the three letters. Greedy, selfish men will look at a man whose head is sick and say “Let us give him a deadly weapon because every man deserves a deadly weapon, does he not?” It will be an association of heartless evil men.
2. Then men whose brains are shattered and who have hearts of stone will kill many on the field and the chattering monkeys will say, “It is not with the weapon does the man kill, but with his sick head.” The foxy monkeys will say this everytime the sick men kill.
3. The people will yell “From my cold dead hands you will pry the deadly weapons!” because they are afraid. God is not a strong tower for them but their weapons are. Yet in their own minds they call on God at every turn. Gods face is not toward them. (Let the reader use discernment)
4. Now the men who control these things are crooked and their hands are full of bribes. No matter how many mother’s children die they will say, “Now is not the time to speak of it!”
5. Then they will moan and beat their breasts in false lamentation saying “Our thoughts and prayers are with you” all while counting the bribes of gold from the men of the three letters. The earth cries out from the graves of the ones killed and blood will be on the hands of those men.
6. The same ones will scream, “We must save the child in the womb!” Later when that child is walking they will let him go hungry in the street. When that same child is sick and dying they will sniff and say, "He has no insurance, he should have saved up!" In those days they will call down evil on the child's mother, whose hands are weak and whose heart is sad. They will do all in their power to maintain her poverty and helplessness saying, "We cannot pay a minimum, we have no money!" all this while sitting on bags and bags of gold, so many bags one cannot count them.

Photo Tuesday

TMITH - "Somewhere In The 1980's"

One arm holds the light above...

In the mirror with an old fashioned NIKON, loaded with Kodak Tri-x 400 speed black and white film.

Scanned, cropped, filtered and layered today October 17, 2017 for "photo Tuesday". Somehow the many pieces of brick and stone placed or strewn about in the creative gardens of the past will be brushed off and made useful, perhaps to a much greater degree than originally hoped.

 

 

 

Blessed Relief

The "Blue Sky" Treatment

A little break from the daily grind of the politically mundane, religiously profane and uh, multiple hurricanes...

Note: Reader has the option of acting upon the italicized directions.

We need a little "Blue Sky Treatment" to calm our nerves and let our inner life vibration reach from our bone marrow to the ends of the tiny hairs on our skin. To that effect we will take you on a short green grass and sunshine filled field trip. Fire up the visual engine of your mind, please. If you are only familiar with electric motors skip that part, or think of a BBQ.

     You are in a field. There are bugs but they don't bite, they add color and vibrancy to the scene. Butterflies and creatures of that sort abound and trouble you not. Across the meadow at a distance two deer graze in a meditative splendor that defies description. The gleaming sunlight rebounds from the individual blades of grass but does not burn your skin, the light merely gives it a slight caress as does the breeze - so gentle you cannot believe it's perfection.

Make the paper fan before you start

At this point gently fan yourself with a piece of paper accordion folded as to produce a fan (see picture).
     At your side is a small basket. It is filled with truly wonderful foodstuffs, the lunch is so "right" you can feel the positive vibration of it through the weave... When you partake you will be satisfied on multiple levels, from the spiritual right thru to the winding track of your physical core.
     There is a blanket but you hardly need it - the grass feels like a fine bed. If you are so inclined your partner massages your back aimlessly but to great effect, (that is assuming you do not desire solitude at the moment). If it is solitude you require there is not a soul to be found save the four musicians playing in a gazebo about a furlong away. It is a soothing melody so well interwoven that is difficult to ascertain the instruments being played. It is as if they are sighing together in carnal splendor. (At this point with your index finger and thumb pull the outside edge of you ear and slowly slide your fingers down to the earlobe. Repeat this twice.) You recover from the dreamlike state of the performance and finish your edibles. Rolling your blanket up you carry it down the trail toward the lift station. On the trail birds are singing around you as if they are auditioning for a Broadway show which you are directing. They are magnificent, but not overwhelming. (You promise all of them parts).
     Now you are at the cable car which whisks you to the hotel lobby (fan yourself here again) and within minutes you are lazing in your rooms' perfectly sized hot tub (if you like that sort of thing). The chocolate covered strawberries* counter the champagne perfectly as you look out over the balcony at the most charming woodland scene you can imagine. Is that the same butterfly from the clearing? A gentle rain is approaching and that special ionic aroma that it generates wafts through your room. You exhale and inhale deeply and the charge in the air invigorates you, raising the hair at the nape of your neck and releasing endorphins that seem to cascade down your spine.
     You recline on the chase lounge as the rain starts. You are well back from the overhang and stay dry and but still smell the freshly wet vegetation, it is awesome. You drift into an afternoon nap so blissful it reminds you of sleeping in the womb. 

     You feel a tapping on your shoulder, it's the vice president, he wants that report you've been working on. Somehow you are back at work. Dream time is over. You turn in hopes of seeing the clearing again but all you get is a face full of Bob from accounting. Jeez.

by Wheems

* (for this trip you have no allergies)

Deegan's' Alternates:
Zoo/Religious: In the clearing there is a lamb snuggling his head on the belly of a lion. 1. They are far enough away so that you do not smell them. 2. They are made of plastic so - no worries of the lion eating the lamb.
Violence: When the vice president disturbs this very fine dream, despite every effort on your part not to, you choke him until he passes out.
Sexual pandering: Scenes of riotous sex in the clearing, inside the cable car, beneath the gazebo and behind the front desk in the lobby. The descriptions were so explicit we had to wash our hands after we finished writing them. Example - "It was all over the grass as were they... clutching divots that would make a golfer proud..." "Only the thunder drowned out their convulsive cries of ecstasy...blah blah blah... "The car appeared to stretch the cables to their limit as it swayed and rebounded, first up and down, then side to side... 
"Their noisy climactic moments cleared every single bird from the trees within a half mile radius..." etc.

No Need To Take A Knee... Flag Respect!

Not When You Have Generally Electric!

Concept: Reynard, Graphic/Layout: TMITH, Text: Phineas

Comments:
Sylvie: You have to respect our flag, whether we commit random acts of terror against you or not. It's the American way. Why are you people so angry?

Deegan/TMITH - Click To Enlarge

The Juice Maidens - What Sort Of Nonsense...

Sub-carnal inspirations based on "The Juice Man, Power of Juicing"

"Surreal Fruit Extravaganza" by Wheems

(excerpt from “The Book Of Extractions”)

3.       I found myself inside a garden, I saw and look! Maidens with large urns of very fresh dark juice from newly ripened red melon. There were quite a few maidens and their loins sparkled in the sunlight with firmness, also coming were young strong men colored by the sun, bearing sedans laden with enormous fruit, melons and orbs. They, all of them, maiden and young buck alike right there in the clearing took the fruit and ate, and drank the juice of the maidens until no one could continue any further and their energies were depleted.

4.       Then they all rested lying about in the field until the evening hour. I saw them lying there until a horn sounded and all at once they resumed with the merriment and the extracting and oozing and there was fruit flying everywhere. The urns were overturned and each and every one was colored by the juices as they poured the urns into their mouths and faces. They continued in this manner until the sun fled entirely and only the moon acted as light. The moon marked the fullness of their bodies, glistening on their heaving breasts. Then they all left.

5.       I for my part asked if there was any fruit left, but there was none, nor was there any juice and I felt I had been left out a little.

6.       I went out so to find the green and yellow melons and walked until the sunrise to the east of the valley of Slocomb - where what is left of the Dan* lives - and indeed I found my melon and I got the juice from it.  

*Dan of the melon seeds, only three men of the Dan are alive. They have four women but they are not touched since they must retain their seeds. I got their (the women’s) juice also.

If the Gods have explained it to me I have to you also, and yet none of us really know, do we? So stop trying to find out already.

Comments:

Jason: The language shifts in The Book Of Extractions remind me of the Book of Mormon except that it is more of a purposeful shift for the sake of humor. Whereas the Book Of Mormon’s mitten handed imitation of fifteenth century English (found in the King James Version) is just awe inspiringly bad.
Mitt: There are Mormons out there who will kill you, Jason.
Jason: Just kidding! Let Moroni atone me.

Fred: What sort of frivolous nonsense is this? I have come to expect something compelling, thoughtful and darkly humorous (at least mostly). This is just absent minded jabbering tinged with grade school sexual suggestion. Thumbs down, farmer Brown!

Dear Fred: You can't win them all. - ed

Save My Soul From Hell and My Body From Monsanto...

Separation Of Butt and Thigh is starting to look like the separation of American Church and State

TMITH: "A Thought"

Turbo-Carbohydrates!

America circa 1970.

Carbs (as we know them) were referred to as "starches". We covered starches with gravy. (Have you seen gravy? It is oil, flour and water with various seasonings - carefully cooked until browned and saves all manner of starches from being bland and tasteless.) There was an oil slick* on every meal and salad was more of a concept than a staple. Yet there were far fewer “overweight” people. One could tell where a buttock ended and a thigh began on practically all the girls, even heavier ones. So how is it now we have a tripling of obesity and teenagers have the bodies formerly found on 50 years olds, with a comparably "healthier" diet? This defies logic.
     Could it be all the added growth hormones in the food supply? Add that to other questionable corporate farming practices and you have this strange butt-thigh look - which I see more and more often. It resembles the animals bred and fattened unnaturally to produce bigger portions of flesh...

  So to the point... Dear “man in the sky with all the answers” it says here right on my quarter that we can trust you. Won’t you protect us from Monsanto**? We know you are more powerful. Lord, please help us. - Phineas

 *Oil, grease, & fat - In the morning from the sausage, bacon and eggs, the eggs were cooked in bacon grease. If you did not have that at a minimum you had a couple of bowls of cereal in whole milk, (along with snotty noses!). In the evening it came from the yards of beef - gigantic rolls or slabs of it swimming in its own grease. During the day we had Braunschweiger or baloney sandwiches - check out the fat content in those, it is thrilling!

**Why Monsanto? Monsanto (among others) is a premier producer of “food” and food like products, maintaining a strong grip on production and suing farmers who fail to grasp the import of their power. They have quite a lot to do with the health of the masses, who consume vast quantities of their “food” products. Oh lord!

TMITH'S Life Focus
I felt better when I realized I wasn't running around in circles. I was running around in a circle - a single circle, so I felt a lot more focused. You should focus your life! Make sure of your circle, be it tight or be it loose!

Comments:

That "man in the sky" quip, are you trying to be funny? Atheists are going to hell you know and they use that term. Are you going? To hell that is? - AR
Dear AR: I am merely trying to include them in the discussion by using their language. This is in order that their souls might also be saved. Do try to appease the coming wrath for them as well - as it is becoming in the lord.
Man, that was a cool answer! - AR
Dear AR: Damn straight it was.
Could you show us a picture of a buh-thigh? GT
Dear GT: No. The only dreadful pictures allowed in the cosmic are of politicians. 

If You Were God... Add Guns

If you were God

What process would you follow to ascertain the variables found in these remarkable men?

Guess who said it?

The guy with the blue tie or the guy in front of Sarah Huckabee?
Here are the quotes:

"Do you know how much money my clients make from the sale of semi and automatic weapons in America? The GNP of a third of the worlds' countries does not exceed it."

"A spirit in the night came to me. He had on the hood and robe of the Imperial Knights. He said, "Donald, I am your father - do not forsake me."
Right after that, I made my Charleston statement."

Comments:
Jim: Ascertain variables? What do you mean by that? If I were God I would make you speak english!
Tony: If I were God their would be no Lugers, only Walthers. Maybe a couple of Mac 10's.
Robert CR Jean La Crosse: If I were God there would be no hungry children. Not really hungry.
Will: Everybody complains about greed like it's bad, greed is good! Even Michael Douglas said it.

He Was Already Black

Our last interview with Mitch

"How We Do Racism"

Click For Bigly

Is He Always Like This?

Layout: TMITH, words: Deegan - Click To Enlarge



A conversation between Pharaoh and Moses, during the time of the plagues in Egypt. See Exodus 8:1-14

I Think Jesus Has Gone Liberal!

"Conversations With The Gods" - Relax your mind first, then proceed...

TMITH "Erotic Construction Number 1" - Visually reconcile the structural elements with the term "erotic".

Conservative Christians trying to reconcile...

…their choice for president with the scripture found at Matthew 19:24 which states: “And again I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”

Conservative Christians: Hey Jesus!

Jesus: What’s up?

CC: We have picked Donald Trump to be our candidate for president of the United States - but he turns out to be rich, at least mostly. That does not quite match up with the “eye of the needle” scripture and we need some clarification.

 Jesus: Donald Trump?!! Looks like you need more than clarification, where is my whip of ropes?!!


CC: Come on lord, we need to… understand.
Jesus: Okay. Who knows what a camel is? Yes very good. How big is a camel? Yes, excellent! Now, who knows what a needle is?...and a rich man?  I think we have a picture here. Are you with me? Ok. Now then, who knows what the kingdom of God is? Now based on all these plain and obvious things - does Donald Trump have any part in my kingdom?*

CC: Yes! He’s our choice! We are excited!

Jesus: Ooh! No! He is a greedy, lying, racist, cheating, adulterous, selfish sex predator! Did I leave anything out?  
CC: He’s a genius; he knows lots of good words. He’s smart enough not to pay taxes.

Jesus: Despite your zeal, you apparently don’t know me. You remind me of Luke 13:26-27. I have no idea why I am even mentioning scripture, since as a group you are unable to understand even the most basic tenets of the bible. It becomes apparent that your fears are more important than your relationship with me and my father.
CC: Jesus what are you saying? We don’t understand!
Jesus: I’ll say you don’t! Why are you so afraid of your black brothers - and paying taxes to Caesar?
CC: Didn’t you curse the blacks or something? It’s not smart to pay taxes, Lord Trump said…
Jesus: You are all a bunch of…  Mike Pences! Get away from me, you workers of lawlessness!
CC: Sorry you feel like that, Jesus.

 CC: (Whispering to each other) I think Jesus has gone liberal or something!

 

*Commentary:

A. You can't take money to heaven. So indeed a rich man cannot go there for his money remains here on earth with hedge fund managers.

B. This scripture was added by the rich to discourage the common man from gaining wealth. This allowed the rich to continue to maintain their stranglehold on the riches of the world.

Enchanted By One Another's Buttocks

Random Musings From The Gang...

Where the Cosmic Staff just lets loose a little...

The Man from Outer Space Asks:

Why are humans so enchanted by one another’s buttocks?

Lets go somewhere and start a story. How about a...

LOG CABIN

On the edge of the wood there is a log cabin with a bear inside of it and two dead vacationers. It’s sad because the bear thought they might taste good, but they tasted like shit.

Whoa! That sounds too dark and miserable; let’s move our outing to a nice sunny beach instead…

SUNNY BEACH

It is hot and the stench from the dead fish is overwhelming. There are too many people and not enough chairs and umbrellas. The sun is pounding your skin cells to bits so you put on some sun screen that is a bit out of date and smells weird. Could this outing get any worse? This homeless guy shows up trying to sell you a free community newspaper for two bucks. You feel for the trapdoor lever six inches off your right hip just beneath the sand. Before he can make his next entreaty you pull the lever and he is gone, with a “hey!” and then a fading “aaaaaah!” They have assured you that persons of this nature who go down the sand traps are provided three square meals, bathing facilities and rehab for whatever it is that makes them a little less functional than you.

 You are still sitting on a towel in the hot sand, surveying the immediate vicinity of not so lovely beach bodies and an aura of fish, sun tan lotion and stifling heat. Over yonder is a stand selling cold beer at a price that is only two times the square of what it cost at the grocers. You wade through the bodies and get in line. The worker says “What’ll it be?”, as if he actually had a selection, so you ask for a large lite. They also have hotdogs - tasty tubes filled with finely ground beast-parts flavored with garlic and tons of salt. These will kill your old ass - so you decline. Your body is still whining from yesterday’s beer drench and taco demolition. In minutes you are back at your towel in the hot sand and a lady just six inches off your right hip says “Don’t I know you?” you say “It depends on where I am in this series of beers.” She says “What?!!” You say “I’m sorry, do me a favor - sit right here - I think I lost something in the sand there.” She moves to the same spot the homeless guy was standing a while back. You grope around in the sand for a few seconds, pause, and pull the lever. There is an “Oh?!!” and then an “EEEEK!” that fades away down the tube. They have assured you that merely annoying people will be returned to the surface only hours after capture. You will be gone by the time she returns. Somehow the second beer tastes better.

That was better! I’m going to the beach right now!

Hey! When are you going to come

up with something positive and light with sunshine and cool breezes butterflies and German chocolate cake (gluten-free) that actually tastes good? - Martin Kleptzer - Tangly, Oregon

Martin since you asked, the next post will be light as a feather and go down easier than fine wine. This Friday.