Sam The Synergistic Mystic - Voodoo Child

Questions and answers from one of our most sincere advice columnists.



TMITH - Art Deco inspired railing circa 1988 (destroyed 2015) photo by Reynard



Dear Sam

Well, the night I was born, Lord I swear the moon turned a fire red
The night I was born, I swear the moon turned a fire red
Well my poor mother cried out "Lord, the gypsy was right!"
And I seen her, fell down right dead. (Have mercy)!*
Sam, that being said - what I want to know is this. Am I a voodoo child? This is really bothering me.

Signed, Bob.

Dear Bob,

Did mountain lions find you there waiting, and afterward set you on an eagles back? What? You don’t remember? Are your arrows made of desire? You are not sure? You don’t even have any arrows now, do you Bob? Well I guess we know now what the answer is now, don’t we. You are not a voodoo child. You - Bob, are an Episcopalian.

Dear Sam

     I saw an ad on TV for a car/truck that you could drive offroad for all the thrills and excitement that car driving can be. So I went and paid an exhorbitant amount for an exhilarating machine. I drove about 500 miles to get deep into the appalachian countryside and took my machine off-road for some ultimate driving experience. I've bumped my head on the ceiling of the truck a few times for excitement, but now I'm stuck in a ravine. My phone has no service at all and I'm lost. There are a few men with beards sticking their heads up over a ridge about half a furlong away. My question is, do you think they might help?

Felix Berenson - somewhere in Appalachia

Dear Felix,

     The men you see over the ridge are the Catska brothers. There is something definitely wrong with them. Get out of your car and run! Follow the tiremarks in that red clay until you hit the highway and pray they don't catch up to you. Godspeed.

Sam,
     I like doing laundry but this is ridiculous! It's getting to be more and more of a drag. I live in a cabin with seven little men. They work in a mine everyday. Do you know how dirty they get? I can't take it anymore. I need OUT. If a handsome prince doesn't show up soon and get me the hell out of here I don't know what I'm going to do. P.S. On top of that some old lady keeps bringing me skanky apples. I think she's trying to poison me. WTF!

Sylvia 'Snow' White, Brisket Diamond Mines, South Africa

Dear Sylvia,

     From what I hear they are paying you in diamonds for your night work. Does the prince know about that? Instead of waiting for your prince to come perhaps you should go out and get him - but not before you do a little introspection. Do you really want to leave? Do you know how much those men love you? Is not the love you get from the stubby seven far superior to what some spoiled brat-prince will offer, especially after he tires of you in three or four months? Think about it, unless you are into royal balls, fancy clothes servants bringing you food and people doing your laundry. Plus the ability to keep a stable of virile studs - to see to your every wuthering desire, (of which you have plenty). Then I guess its a no brainer.

  *From "Voodoo Child" - by Jimi Hendrix