Santas Religious Freedom

 

(A page from The Local Toastmaster Newsletter created by Blasphemous Bob)

Devout - De-Stained & De-lirious

Bible Lessons For Ruffians and People Like You! Holding a high standard of morality and logic-lessness similar to TV news morality

Editors Note:
Henceforth we will bring you only the cleanest and most sanitary offerings possible.
Political, sexual and anti-religious quips, statements, innuendo and similar are from here on banished. Charlie Brown will no longer kick it, there will be turkey and Santa Claus and very holy things from now and forevermore. Enjoy!*

What's This, Some Carrots...?

...God said. Cain, you had better go back and kill something, then bring it to me just like your brother Abel did! So Cain went back and asked Abel all about it and Abel proceeded to be all snooty and smug because his sacrifice kicked ass while Cain's sucked.
     So Cain "killed something" and brought it before the Lord. God said "What is this?" Cain said, "It's Abel, he was being a real asshole about everything! Now I am worried that folks will want to bother me for sacrificing Abel." God thought about it a while and put "the mark of Cain" on Cain. (which is logical - it would not be good for Cain to have the mark of "Ralph") Cain went out and around and was able to chill for a good long while.
MORAL: Like any righteous conservative Cain realized that he needed to have some "skin in the game" and like most he thought it better to use someone else's skin (in this case Abel's) and take a free pass. God loves conservatives, just ask one.


Do Not Stone - For She Is A Virgin



Little Timmy draws!

One of little Timmy's "Virgin Girls". He is beginning to be quite the artist! 

Questions From Readers

Dear Captain,
The bible says: "...they found her not to be a virgin and they took her out and got stoned".
In bible times what did they get stoned on? My friend says it was probably opium.
QVS
Dear QVS,
The reference you made is to a procedure whereby a person is tortured to death with the use of egg size stones, proving the inherent righteousness and mercy of God. On the other hand they used opium (among other things) quite often.

*We are simply lying.

Household Tips from Zzen

Keep it neat!

Before and After photography by TMITH

Most of us at one time or another have had some area that needed to be cleaned, organized and disinfected. Many times the act of saving an area, room, garage or other from comdemnation proves to be a slightly overwhelming or downright impossible. That is why I want to share this living tip with you so that you can overcome the impossible just like I did.

Pick one from the list: A paper bag, A fifty gallon drum. A dumpster. (Your Choice)

Now look upon the area in question and pick up the first item in sight. Ask yourself a question: Is this related to something I want to keep so I can do some work that needs to be done? Now throw the item in the trash receptacle. Do this again but change the question, (not the result). You can ask "Can I get someone to buy this immediately?" Then just throw the item out. After a while you can stop asking all those questions and just chuck everything, the work will go faster and faster and soon there will be nothing that stops your room or area from looking just like mine, save a couple of gallons of self-priming white paint.

Did you throw away something valuable? Is it worth keeping even though it will ruin the Zen-like atmosphere? If your are going to keep whining about it - just put everything back and live like the slob you are. Don't ask me anymore questions - you derelict.



Back to our regular scheduled programming.

Charlie Brown - Still

The Perils Of Still Being Charlie Brown

Reynard Scripted - TMITH pictures

Austerity In Bucketfuls

God Bless 'murica - November 6, 2014

graphics: TMITH
script: Deegan



I

In light of recent events, the family sits down to an austerity pigeon dinner

 

 

 



Is it not a good thing for the working classes to fully realize their God given place in the world?! Finally America is one step closer to a place where religion "rules" and there are only two classes of people.
 

     Just like in the Dark ages.

Joe-Eddy, Wilbur & Dick Cheney

Joe Eddy can't help himself!

Charlie Brown Finally Kicks It

Angst For Sale - Cheap!

From "The Temptations Of C.B." by TMITH

Joe-Eddy & Wilbur

Cue The Lightning

Joe-Eddy and Wilbur in: Joe-Eddy Talks Too Much! 

graphics by: TMITH
text by: Deegan

 

Camel Drama

Anyone Can Draw - Just Not You



Its A Camel

I will be brave for your camels sake, Achmed-Timbio.
Go Rajarasheed - and be successful in your journey, bring my camel back laden with precious goods and articles, be discreet, earn your reward. In all things take note of the supreme one. The one allowing George Zimmerman to proceed. I will complete every corner of my journey in order to gain the hand of the fair Femanina and marry her and multiply myself - all while extolling the teachings you have given me, Achmed -Timbio. Yes, cue the dust storms and still stand. Wipe the grit from your crevices and pursue your dreams Rahamani-Rajarasheed-Jabbar, and as you go this time fully realize that if you fuck it up this time, it is your ass.
and...
RRJ proceeded out from AT. He made his way thru the thieves and robbers and just barely acquired what he ought by the skin of his teeth. It was pure chance that he made it back alive, he married Femanina had children and prospered in a relative sense.

Panderama

Concept rough for "The Deadline Passeth"

In "The Deadline Passeth" a group (four to be exact) struggle vainly to meet a deadline critical to the life of their business. All seems lost when out from the fog of their minds the deadline fairy appears, her answers stun and perplex them, they do not notice her bearing or garb. Her salvation as presented is a moral dilemma they dare not question. What will they do?

 

 

Who will stand for the workers?

...The question is, why are some people so determined to push the greed agenda here? The superrich could sneeze and more than enough money would come out to soothe society ills – but instead they choose to vilify the worker (and further deprive them of rights they fought and died for) by polarizing the weak minded with racial and capital divisions. It would not be a stretch at all for those same ones to create the fear agenda directly - by paying a few psychotic groups to perform heinous crimes and film them for the masses to devour. 

Bullfrogs and Fairies

A Fairy Might Come In

"Two Women" - PhotoArt by TMITH

William woke up early and headed toward the bathroom - stumbling and stiff fumbling for the light switch. Once the room was lit he saw a beautiful woman dressed in a fairy oufit. She said, "I will grant you three wishes but first you must love me." William said "But i will be late for work!" The fairly dressed woman said "Wrong answer!" and - turning William into a minor league bullfrog, disappeared in a twinkle*. Williams' company, upon not hearing from him in weeks - fired him and took his pension**. William hopped into the toilet but could not find enough insects and soon was no more***. The moral of the story is this: Do not leave your bathroom window open, a fairy might come in.


*cute way of saying "instantaneously"

**Illegal

***Dead

Sour Shorts and a Bridge

Computer model of bridge - concept on wall at left by Kasi, further developed (wall right) and modeled by Ken

Disclaimer - please note:
 Here at the cosmic we attempt to entertain a wide variety of readers. In order to do this we hire writers who are at times slightly rude or crude. We allow this at times in order to maintain their highest levels of creativity without stifling them. Being religious we are absolutely above subsidizing the use of paid sex professionals where a cheating spouse might do. So if you read something that disturbs your sense of decency, we absolutely agree with you - except our hands are tied and we can’t stop these people.

"Not lovers, boyfriends!" said Gina. "In that case that makes your cheating on me quite alright." said Melville. "Damn straight" said Gina.

 Sold me out, for chicken change (Yes you did) -Told me that they, they had it all arranged
You had me down, and that's a fact
And now you punk, you gotta get ready - For the big payback

-James Brown, Payback


God lets them get away with it, so why are you complaining?
from Deepak Sausage and friends new book "Get With The Real Deal Squeal Seal" 

"In that case doctor, you are simply using a chemical crowbar on a delicate machine"
from the book: People that Just won't Go To The Doctor by Seymour Ryan Deegan
our Deegan!

Simplicity is a frightening concept, that is why we dance around reality so often.

Cheer Up!
There are no mistakes, only failures.

So I trudge off to "work" to make "money"

this is so much of a rigged bullshit game...

if I ever get the chance to ask who rigged it they better have some better fucking answer than "Somebody ate something that they should not have eaten"...

Come on Mike, at least we have beer.


 She keeps giving me a six for a nine... she'll never be mine...



Just, Awful!
Please be mine number twenty seven
it seems that you came down from heaven
your eyes so deep, your cheeks so sweet
your lips so full, a magnificent rooty-toot-tooty booty, absolute, resolute and involute...
How much again?


Don't let the Jones' get you down, shoot them.

"But what if I lose?"
Then you will go down knowing you at least tried. Loser.

Get yourself down to a nunnery. If you pray, the priest will see to your needs in the dead of night.

Lil Tommy: "Can I kill the devil, Sister Sarah?"
Sister Sarah: "No Lil Tommy, you cannot."
Lil Tommy: "Can God?"
Sister Sarah: "Yes. Of course."
Lil Tommy: "Then, what the hell is he waiting for?!!"

　

and now for a moment of medication... 

Where's the Yams?

The Bridge I Live Under by Ken

Eating Berries
I was eating berries off a tree, thinking how good a cheeseburger would be.
I stumbled around and stepped through the thicket, trying to find a better place to pick it.
I could go to town and be an employee because no one gives cheeseburgers for free
but what could I do, what could I be?
     I mastered the broom - but people don't use janitors anymore - they make the cashiers
sweep up the floor.
I could be a bouncer in a bar at night except that I'm skinny and don't like to fight.
I need a job that won't get me killed and does not require all that much skill.
The Army is out the National Guard too - I need something essential and true.
Something delightful - practically ebullient - along with pay that is truly relevant.
If I told you once I told you a hundred times
I'm not one for committing serious crime
so take away those drugs and pills
I won't be a pharmaceutical shill
I'd rather walk around with a shovel in my hand
with a sign that reads 
"For Food I'll Dig, Where's The Yams?"

Questions and answers.

Ginny asks:

Why are you guys at the Cosmic so rough at times?

TMITH replies:

If you want the common gruel fed to the masses you can look on any street corner or imaging unit. The cosmic is home to reality - when you come here that's what you get.

Deegan replies:

We will send you flowers since you're already dead.

Zzen replies:

For a sensitive soul such as yourself it would be good to tread lightly among the scorpions of reality. Have someone dance before you as you walk and have them playing a flute and spreading rose petals. If you can't afford that wear a blindfold, most people do.

Reynard replies:

Today we found we lost our lease and also bedbugs in the loft sleeping spaces, Zzen has been dispossessed of all his wealth and no longer drives a custom Bentley, he rides a bicycle he found in the alley. Deegan has a grouchy countenance that seems to endure good news and bad. The man in the hat's patience has run thin for the government riddles him with financial holes while letting the rich run roughshod over society. But we will be back next week with cheerfully debauched stories that will tickle your soul and pander to your springtime lusts.

Next Week: PANDERAMA!

Golden Yo-Yos

The Golden Yo-Yo by TMITH

Semi-Divine Expressions?

It is easy to claim to be receiving inspired sayings from angels. I have a book by a lady who claims that very thing. What I find fascinating is that if the lady made a the claim that she was inspired by God they would say she was a heretic or insane. No one can challenge that she is inspired by angels because it stands on no ground, which angel? Angel number seven or Bob the angel? The only way you can challenge her sayings is by paying attention to the fact that many of them are stupider* than hell. The measuring device used to determine where the utterance/inspiration originates is something no one really cares to discuss or even try to show me. Being inspired by angels is not actually a solid classification. It is nearer to being inspired by looking at a leaf very closely whilst outdoors, something on that order, very easy to claim. I on the other hand saw a vision. A vision is of a much greater magnitude in the hierarchy of inspired-ness.
I saw angels with golden Yo-Yos, each Yo-Yo emitting wonderful sounds while the angels did tricks with them. The tricks were not that great though, they were run of the mill stuff, like walk the dog and cat’s cradle. If you looked at their faces you would think they were competing for the Olympics or something, they were so intense. But the sound emanating from the Yo-Yos was awesome. The Yo-Yos themselves were solid gold Duncan Imperials**, very heavy. One of the angels faltered on a trick and the Yo-Yo slipped and hit him square in the forehead - leaving a mark, it staggered him for a moment but he got right back into it. He did an 'around the world' and went directly into a cradle without a re-launch, I must admit, that was pretty slick stuff.

*Rhymes with Jupiter, really dumb-as-shit stuff. **One of the best!

Don't Judge

Really accept. Don't whine, many wish they had half the life (or food) you do. Now just let those few brain particles you have left rest on that thought.
Okay, enough thinking, clean up in aisle seven!

Aisle Seven

"I died and went to heaven, they sent me back to clean up aisle seven"
How come people always breaking shit in aisle seven? I bet If I died on the job they would resurrect me just to clean up that broken relish jar.

"It's hard but it's fair and only the pure in heart shall survive" - Reynards grade school gym teacher just before he made everybody duck walk.

I finally bought a can of shoe polish but it just stands there staring longingly at my shoes, nothing happens.

Free Will

It is time you exercised some of that free will God gave you. If you can do it from the bottom of the slave galley chained to the oars we will really think the world of you. You go you! You can do it! Show us something!
Inspired by angels number fourteen and twenty-seven Dussen decided to make his move. The moment the centurion slipped the cabin chains from his ankles and hands he would do it.. He waited and just when his hands were free he launched himself at the guard... The guard easily sidestepped Dussen's furious but untrained attack, as Dussen flew by (totally missing) the guard took off his left arm at the elbow. Casually walking up to Dussen he then removed his right arm at the shoulder while chatting up the other galley slaves... Does anyone else have any clever thoughts they would like exorcised? Step right up. I think Dussen here has thought better of it after all... Dussen sat stunned and stupified. Were those angels he heard very clever, or even clever at all? He had his doubts - those doubts were verified when they flung him overboard and he was torn to pieces by sharks.
Gee Twenty-seven he was no fun. He fell right over. Well Fourteen maybe we should have told him to just get along and be nice to the guy with the sword. Who knows? But twenty-seven, that's so BORING!

Diamonds
Oh! How the gravity of hungry people wipes the shine off my diamonds...

In some religions if you are not suffering you cannot possibly be righteous. You are supposed to be all happy while you are doing it. That makes perfect sense to me, yep that's it.

 

Half A Million Hits/The Brightness Within

Jims Short Sighted Lament

If you had a half million hits you could have been generating some ad revenue...





Dog Eat Dog

 

The Brightness Within
When things look gloomy on the outside and "the end" looms, please remember that you have a "brightness within" that cannot be extinguished, no matter how many retarded laws are passed...

-------------------------------------------------------- 

"Professor" J. Whitborn has been fired, he no longer works here, we sent him packing, we let him go.

US - Whitborn your writing sucks!

Whit - I was just warming up!

US - Get OUT!

Whit - I was coming up with a new column, "Whit's Witticisms"!

US - We will shoot...

 

Gentle Black Kirby



For Whom The Toll Bells by TMITH

A Moment With Bad Attitude Mike...

 Hi Mike. What's up? You gonna say something to us today?
Yeah I got something for you, write this one down.
"Not only will I leave it in Gods hands, I'm going to blame it on him too."
Whoa! Take it easy. You got something a little lighter for us?
Well, how about this? "As soon as you realize where you are, you are truly lost and no one wants to find your ass anyway"
Uh, Mike - you are supposed to be cheering us up!
"Stressing yourself does not mean you are actually accomplishing a greater work nor does it add to the general happiness of man"
Not unless you are Jesus or Martin Luther King Jr. or somebody,
and - you're not.
We could be.
Yes you could be, and I could be getting paid real money for my
sayings.
Not until we feel better. I don't feel the warmth or the fuzziness.
I'll give you some fuzziness..... I'll...
Aaaugh!!! Get away from us!! (runs away)
Where's my five bucks, come back here!!
As reported by Lil' Jimmy - Our new man in the street

Flail fail

Gentle Black Kirby

Need an extra minute?
Need to relax a bit?
Well who doesn't? What makes you so special? Why is your whine so tasty?
Now quit yer' dreamin' and get back to work

You can be part of the Cosmic Book Club

New book!

"Not As Soft As You Think" 

"Memoirs of the Pillsbury Doughboy - AKA Puffy, the Hit man"

Representative quote: "I liked the look on their faces when I pulled out my Mac 10... It was as if being murdered by someone cute and famous was kind of okay."

Your Job

is to put on a good show for us while you are here, so quit your dawdling and show us something! Make it significant, interesting, possibly mind boggling. Please don't start whining about unfair life is. That is NOT why you are here, of that you can be assured.

Arizona, Freedom To Stone People To Death...

Freedom of religion means that...

The truck tyre in the sky told me to do it...

We might just have to stone you to death for talking back to your parents, in America we are already putting children in jail for doing it, well at least when it's a for profit prison and the judge is on the take along with the warden..

Speaking about Arizona...
Are these people for real or is all this belligerent inane "assholery" a smoke screen to distract the masses from some very real issues? I refer to a law passed that allowed discrimination based on religious issues*.  Come on already, are we entering the dark ages or what?

*Don't come 'round heah, cause I got some issues wif you gays! Indeed you do...

Who is telling you to hate?

Ku-Klux-Klan Your Ground!

























What would... Michael Dunn do?
No matter what your take on it is, the Ku-Klux-Klan loves "Stand Your Ground" laws. So does Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh and the conservatives that wrote it. Ah America, I hardly got a chance to know you.