Devout - De-Stained & De-lirious

Bible Lessons For Ruffians and People Like You! Holding a high standard of morality and logic-lessness similar to TV news morality

Editors Note:
Henceforth we will bring you only the cleanest and most sanitary offerings possible.
Political, sexual and anti-religious quips, statements, innuendo and similar are from here on banished. Charlie Brown will no longer kick it, there will be turkey and Santa Claus and very holy things from now and forevermore. Enjoy!*

What's This, Some Carrots...?

...God said. Cain, you had better go back and kill something, then bring it to me just like your brother Abel did! So Cain went back and asked Abel all about it and Abel proceeded to be all snooty and smug because his sacrifice kicked ass while Cain's sucked.
     So Cain "killed something" and brought it before the Lord. God said "What is this?" Cain said, "It's Abel, he was being a real asshole about everything! Now I am worried that folks will want to bother me for sacrificing Abel." God thought about it a while and put "the mark of Cain" on Cain. (which is logical - it would not be good for Cain to have the mark of "Ralph") Cain went out and around and was able to chill for a good long while.
MORAL: Like any righteous conservative Cain realized that he needed to have some "skin in the game" and like most he thought it better to use someone else's skin (in this case Abel's) and take a free pass. God loves conservatives, just ask one.


Do Not Stone - For She Is A Virgin



Little Timmy draws!

One of little Timmy's "Virgin Girls". He is beginning to be quite the artist! 

Questions From Readers

Dear Captain,
The bible says: "...they found her not to be a virgin and they took her out and got stoned".
In bible times what did they get stoned on? My friend says it was probably opium.
QVS
Dear QVS,
The reference you made is to a procedure whereby a person is tortured to death with the use of egg size stones, proving the inherent righteousness and mercy of God. On the other hand they used opium (among other things) quite often.

*We are simply lying.