A Cask Of A-Maga-Lado

'I'll Tell You One And One Makes Three'

Cap wearer says, "I dint insult no one 'cept a few lib-tardarians"

Walls keep people in, too...

Alternate Balloon Contest:

3rd place:

Red hat: I'm not to sure about this tariff wall.

Orange Bob: I will protect you. You, I mean it - is almost done, as soon as it sets!

Runner Up

Red hat: Does this wall keep Polish and Russian people out? I have a thing about them.

Orange Bob: What do you mean? They are the real white people!

1st place:

Red hat: But, I am white enough!

Orange Bob: No you're not, loser!

Cult Of Personality

Neon lights, a Nobel Prize

Then a mirror speaks, the reflection lies
You don't have to follow me
Only you can set you free
I sell the things you need to be
I'm the smiling face on your T.V.
I'm the cult of personality
I exploit you still you love me

I tell you one and one makes three
I'm the cult of personality...


from "Cult of Personality" - Living Color

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xxgRUyzgs0

Graphical Mirage: TMITH
Concept: Reynard, Zzen

Analysis By Wheems:

We see a man in a strange hooded garb entombing another man in a red cap. The red capped man is alive, but very confused. The man building a wall is acting on strange and perverse impulses that defy logic and are evil incarnate.
The golden-orange bob of hair is a caricature of sublime sadism.

From Deegan:
Jesus, Wheems! "Caricature of sublime sadism", really? Here is the thing straight up; the guy in the hat cheers on and readily accepts his own demise - as long as he feels like he is hurting "the other" and being pretend protected by the slimy immoral wall building guy, do you get it? Of course you do, but the hat guy never will, that's why he is standing there looking stupid.

Comments: There are people like me that don't get the reference.
- El Jefe
Dear El, See A Cask Of Amontillado by Edgar Allen Poe. A summary of the work will suffice. It's a story about an asshole who gets angry enough to kill his friend over an insult. Kind of like leaders of countries in the 3rd, 4th and 21st centuries.

But, What's A Fopdoodle?

Young Brett’s Barrel of Ale, Calendars and The High Court of Nobles (Shortened For Commercial Exploitation) 

‘Twas the glorious days of Good King Arthur, long shiny swords, spiked balls on chains and blood flying everywhere. It was truly glorious! Nobles in fancy tights and frocks with many ladies waiting, the ladies wearing very heavy hats.

     In these days walls were built to keep frightening people out (they had no aero-planes then). A noble could select from among the ladies anyone of their choosing. As a lad of that time Young Brett of the northeast and his seconds could not perceive anything finer, that being any lady and a barrel-cask of ale. They executed their frivolities with the deftness of donkey-headed knaves. 

     Many years passed, and Young Brett’s name came to be called - with a possibility that he be named to the high court of nobles, (due to this there was a great wailing throughout the land). During the interim of those years the ladies tried to forget him being a rake, cad and general sleaze-ball but when The Great Orange Dilberry selected him to be on the high court they could not contain their horror. At their own peril they let the truth be known. They felt it their duty to expose Young Brett, even if it meant their own doom.

     When these things came out the great orange quatch and his money snatching tax policy providers twisted and ignored the obvious and well substantiated recollections of the ladies. They listened to Brett’s wailing and weeping while he spoke of how hurt he was that someone might actually hold him accountable. Then he whined his way through a list of ladies names, as if merely pronouncing them meant that he was not an evil fopdoodle. He also produced a calendar of sorts, totally meaningless and outright preposterous to any honest man, but to the great orange’s jackals, hyenas and cloying parasites it meant the world.

 

     Thus, after checking beneath several sanitary canal bridges and obtaining the oaths of a handful of good-for-nothing men, they called everything fair for Brett and had the ladies beheaded. Good Brett became an ale burping high court lackey, doing everything in his power to maintain the kingdom’s debauched state, demeaning the women and repressing the powerless. He also allowed the mill owners to dump their wastes directly into the streams and rivers. (Not that they had no other options, they were just greedy dilberries).

 

     Then the nobles and their lackeys* all lived happily forever after.

 

 

 

*not the ladies, serfs or migrants…

Rubber Stamp Supreme

Graphics: Random internet (modified) except caricature of "whiny beer man" by TMITH
Concept: Reynard

What If You Got Up One Morning...

The NRA - Making sure you have a gun when you are ready to shoot

Heritage Krayons

Special Sessions Edition Heritage Box of 64 Crayons

Heritage as in what they call the stars and bars, Sessions as in Jeff, crayons as in colors-oh my GOD, must I explain!




Concept: Reynard
Modeling/Render: TMITH
Titling/Captioning: Phineas
Generally pissed off at every fucking thing: Deegan
Not adding much today: Wheems

PUT IT ON!

Side note (late add in) Now that a couple of 22 and half's has declared himself a "nationalist" on nationwide television, in a couple or three more rallies or so he will have nothing left to do but put on the dunce hat with the extended flaps and eyeholes as the crowd chants "put it on!" "put it on!

Sylvie, from a relatively melanin free far north Chicago suburb can't figure out the hat analogy.
We tried to explain it to him but he keeps calling the stars and bars a "heritage flag" and calls a swastika "an ancient Japanese pictoform"

Depends On Who's Holding It...

A Captain Kangaroo/Stephon Moment

Graphic by TMITH, captions by Deegan

Just in time for a kangaroo court! Let's just see. I can hear the decision now, "Anyone* with a cell phone in his hand is subject to be shot to death by the authorities".  Sounds reasonable to me Sean (FOX).

*The asterisk in this case is for persons who are able to discern things. Other people who get violent about complaints and protesters but not about actual killings - can disregard and put their heads back ___________ (Fill in the blank)

Hypocrisy No Longer Exists

Hypocrisy No Longer Exists?

Conservative "Christians" - Heavy on those quotes, Wilbur!

Good News! Hypocrisy is not extant. The word no longer has meaning. Evangelical Christians have beseeched the almighty long and hard to make the entire concept go away, (When Jesus calls them "hypocrites" and "offspring of vipers" the words merely bounce off.) Now they cannot tell an orangutan from a soul-less con artist. Nor can they tell a good-for-nothing man from a true believer. Is this actually good? Right and wrong are based only on the what group you belong to, if you are a conservative you are free to rape, steal, murder - tear babies from mothers what-ever. Like the Pharisees the EC's have a tendency to be racist, believe they are holier than you and look down on the poor  as not even human. 
      But how do they look Jesus in the eye while maintaining such a hypocritical stance?

• They just pray their way out of it.
• They hug the devil and pretend he's Jesus.
• Their self involvement prevents them from seeing reality.
• They get on the back of a dinosaur and ride with Jesus.

Other News

There are people who will say Greasy McSwindlefoot is doing a much better job than his black predecessor even while the world is being desolated. This administration can only be classified as catastrophic, how is that?

Newt Slimewich literally bragged to the Heritage foundation about bringing a few more vast swaths of the middle class down in flames. Why do these people hate the little man so much? It is as if they are not satisfied until they create some more misery for the disenfranchised.

Peanut Gallery:
We like the part about raping the earth and the endorsement of slavery. - EC Jones - unapologetic evangelical.

Kens Molecular Hammer

Front and rear label for Kens Molecular Hammer Bathroom Cleaner - needs proofreading

Would you like a bathroom cleaner that won't asphyxiate you when you spray some in your tub, yet actually will clean the dead skin cells, calcium deposits and soap residue left on and built up for perhaps - centuries? Then look no further. A life changing bathroom cleaner has arrived, it may have been sent from heaven, at least that is how we at the Cosmic feel about it. Soon available at your local grocer, that is unless those assholes at ____ corporation move to block it, which they should because it only costs about a third the price of anything they make, is environmentally friendly and outperforms their noxious fume bubble bombs two to one. No brag, just fact.

The Backstory...

     Kens... bathroom cleaner did not just burst into the scene like the cleaning hurricane that it is, but took painstaking effort and testing before arriving at the enviable position of being the best bathroom cleaner in the universe. 

Rear label of initial offering, text by Deegan 

Humble Beginnings
Taking a secondary position to industry leaders "Lady In A Soap Dish" offered a pleasant option to the strong smelling chemically laden products of the money grubbing corporate soap monopolies. Not only was it created by gentle handed commoners, there was hardly any profit realized - so you could rest assured that you were not paying for some silver plated yacht on the edge of a Caribbean pleasure island (or even a rowboat on Lake Michigan). Then our scientific team realized that our shit was actually better than Scrubbing Bubbles™! That's when we changed the packaging. We ditched the big busted redhead and got some scientific sounding rapier-wielding hoo-ha going. Then we took off the ingredient list because we want only Cosmic readers to be able to make it themselves. The deal is you have to spray it on then wait for two-three minutes before wiping it off. The plus is everything stays cleaners longer and it rinses much easier, saving water, and by extension - the world.

Use distilled water - don't be so goddamn cheap. Also don't forget to invert the spray bottle three times to begin the molecular action. (upside down then right side up gently - we don't want it to explode)

8:8:2 is a ratio  like 4:4:1 or 16:16:4 (however you want it to sound) Also of note: Use white vinegar and softsoap© "crisp cucumber and melon" liquid hand soap. The vinegar smell is reduced in this manner. If you simply cannot endure any vinegar smell how the hell do you eat salad? You picky ass bastard.

The Cosmic Truth Chess Set

The Cosmic Truth Chess Set - TMITH's own design and one of the last known vestiges of truth in the universe

A Huckabee Dribble Of Jesus

It takes a village... Deegan Speaks!

A few of Sarah's thoughts during a press briefing. Her disposition toward the truth is edifying...

DEEGAN Says...
It takes bunches of villages full of people with outsized tribal instincts* to hand over the reins of power to Nazi loving KKK minded world class society destroyers. The tribal minded slow people who will give you the large snips and let you cut their balls off. All while saying, "It's okay if he cuts my balls off, he has no melanin."
Yay freedom! Freedom from healthcare! Freedom to participate in endless war, because these colors don't run!" Yes, the ones with laundry commercials endlessly running in their skulls. The ones like Kim Davis who wear their hypocrisy on their sleeve and the ability to reason has left them with just a Huckabee dribble of Jesus on their chin. The ones willing to shatter the vase if they can't paint a swastika on it, like Betsy Devos and her "charter" (read segregated) school concepts. Jesus K Khrist!

*idiots

WORLD CLASS COMMENTARY - from the proletariat

How dare you call into question the character of Sarah Hucklebee? She's a Christian! You can tell by the things she says! - Jensen D.
Dear Sir,
Sarah, like her father Mike, is a strong conservative Christian and as such have a very “reverential” view of facts. They see reality with a Mike Pence style, it is much affected by what Jesus tells them at 2:00 in the morning. - Deegan
When you say "Nazi loving" I get the feeling you are condescending or putting down white supremacy in general. Is this what you are doing? You do know that there are good Nazis, don't you?
 - J.B. Sessions
Dear Jefferson,
Sarah says that racism is only bad when you have bad racists. The new administration, led by Greasy McSwindlefoot, is full of only the best racists.- Deegan
What is a "Huckabean"? - Sister Slappahand
Dear Sister Slappahand,
1. 'Huckabean' a basic lie, wrapped in doubtfully applicable bullshit. Told with an air of "Jesus put me here and I can tell you goddamn sinners anything and you must love it" tone.
Since you have given up on facts, I will give you huckabeans.

Jesus Gets Off His Dinosaur...

Leonard Da Vinci's "Yeshua Astride Behemoth". One can see the tail of the dinosaur circled in red. Some try to claim the tail was added to the drawing a few years later. We have checked and during that time period there were no American conservative christians. Plus it looks just like Da Vinci's work because it's kinda the same color*.


Tiletus and the Behemoth

1. Jesus approaches his disciples riding a small dinosaur with long rows of very sharp teeth.
2. The disciples grew afraid saying, "Go out from among us for fear your domestic animal will surely start devouring us with no hesitation and deal with us in a treacherous way."
3. Jesus got down from the dinosaur and said, "A twisted generation lacks faith! If your faith was strong you would put your face before the mouth of my dinosaur."
4. Tiletus (son of Beershaboth of Toth) said loudly, "I have strong faith!" He then came up out of the group and put his face before the dinosaur.
5. The dinosaur struck out and in an instant completely took off the face of Tiletus. The disciples were astonished, and some began to squirm and vomit.
6. Jesus walked over and put back on Tiletus' face, all the while saying, "In that day you must be quite sure that your faith is very strong, especially before you do something so terribly stupid. If you are not using discernment who will put your face back on?"
7. Then the disciples were amazed at Jesus wisdom and utterances. Because he was weak and stupid they sent Tiletus out never to return (Tiletus was simply ecstatic to have his face back.)There were then only twelve disciples left. (One of them would turn out to be a useful traitor).

*REBUTTAL

As an art historian I can tell you unequivocally that the tail was added later. The color is not the same nor is the stroke. Even the tool used to produce the line is not the same. You are viewing a forgery.
DS
Dear DS,
As you well know I don't believe experts, professors, smart people or scientists. Are you smart or something? Who did I vote for? Why is that of any concern here? You deny Jesus and he will deny you.
Wilford E. - Lay persons for the Holy Rood

So Universal

Quick Hits From The Cosmic Staff...

"Religion and war are two forms of mental illness that are so universal that no one actually notices how sad and pathetic they are." - Reynard

"Religion and war may well be forms of mental illness Reynard, but since we absolutely must have them, we will glorify them with words, pictures, poems and movies. Especially when we mix the two together. It makes for drama of the highest caliber - satisfying our private and public lust for blood, nation and honor." - Wheems

"You cannot speak of religion with disrespect, when you do we will take you to the flaming mouth of the volcano and toss in your foul words with your mouth wrapped around them. At that time they will sound like this, "AAAAAAH!" and "Lord help me please no, oh GOD!" But it will be too late! The fiery lake of molten rock will deconstruct your bones and there will be nothing left of you but a wisp of smoke! The Gods will inhale it as fragrance. - Akamu Alika

Ingrid Bergman as a fine-ass Joan of Arc, getting ready to be burnt up all religious like. - Deegan

Usually we recommend burning at the stake for people who disrespect religion. You may question our love for you and just how exactly you benefit, but believe us, it's good for you. - Deegan

It is not for us to determine whether or not religion is good or bad. It is enough to simply review the actions and results of it and...[ ] Wow, irrationality wins every time. We will stick with the benign, the banal, the oatmeal cookie recipe, etc. so some religious zealot does not dynamite our meager storefront, killing to make God happy. - Bob

War, religion and all it's adherents and worshipers will not be denied - as they are conscripted by the makers of us. Your whining at them will be as sheep bleatings and your caustic logical progressions will bounce off their heads as a rubber ball bounces off a concrete slab. Have no fear, you will die somewhere at any moment regardless. - Zzen.

The Chess Game Of God

It Came To Pass...

    ...that the people themselves, the insolent faithless crowd, ones throbbing in the turbulent sea of their own filth, these very ones came to say, Who made us like this? Who created such an abhorrence? Who made man weak and slimy and then proceeded to fill the earth with so many egregiously huge assholes? Who? Was it you, oh God?

1. Then God, filled with patience and love, broke it down for them in as many ways possible, each according to their own race, culture and climate. He made ways for each man to own God as his very own creation and claim practically anything that occurred as a sign from him. How can I miss? said God to himself. Then he sat back and watched as it began to unfold.
2. The people did not cut the mustard. Their hypocrisy was so great the heavens themselves groaned and shuddered. Their stupidity and ignorance was only surpassed by their hate.
3. God said to himself, I do not make any mistakes. Therefore this shit is unreal. Accordingly, God declared that everything he does is perfect.
4. The people though sitting and staring around with water-heads and lost within the confines of their own useless minds said "Huh? We don't understand!" Then somebody somewhere yelled "CHEESE!" or some other outstandingly inarticulate term - and all the people got up, yelled "WAR!" and began slaughtering each other with a great slaughter - also destroying the earth, air and sea. God watched slightly amused, then he grew bored.
5. God then declared man to be a bad tenant, the worse kind actually, who not only does not pay his rent but destroys the property as well. God then said "I have got to get man off of the earth altogether, for he sucks in more ways than is permissible to count, even for me.
6. So God stopped watching the affairs of humans and instead set a time to come back and Shop-Vac™ man from the face of the earth. "They are no longer on point", said God.
7. You then know your time is coming, with a great "whooshing" sound it will arrive and no one will escape. Not even the assholes who think they know God. Actually he will come for them first, they will get caught in the great HEPA® filter of their own hypocrisy.

See here,
I did not make assholes, they made themselves. Says it in my book. See! I set the whole thing in motion and made it possible but, hey you don't get to ask any questions of me. So beat it. 
Yours Truly
GOD

Chess Piece Thursday - Porno Flor-Duh

TMITH - THE KNIGHT designed for the Cosmic's own chess games

Please don't steal my chess design, I'm hoping to sell it for a million dollars (after I finish it) so I can pay for "healthcare" after I retire. Five more pieces and I can afford a trip to the emergency room in the year 2022.

A Salt Rifle

I need one to carry to the salt mines. No one knows I work in the mines. I wear a suit and tie on the train then switch to coveralls when I get there.  Never mind that though, the point here is this.
      When I use a single shot rifle I can never kill the rabbit, but salt rifles give me more shots at the varmint. When I hit 'em there is usually not much left, they are all shredded fur and blood. It's hard to pick out the meat. That is the price you pay. Additionally if you graze one and he becomes enraged who knows what he might do to you? With salt rifles I can hit him ten more times before he can think about it.

Flor-Duh

From a politician down in Florduh: "People die. That's automatic. What's not automatic is the money I get from the NRA. I have to earn it. That is why I always say no to any kind of gun control whatsoever. Why do I even have to explain the obvious to you people? Are you slow? Maybe you deserve to get (shot). Pornography, now there is a problem that won't be bribed away!. Now get out of my office before I call security. Does security carry AR-15's? You bet they do!"

Comments

Siggy - You mean assault don't you?
I don't care how you spell it, just as long as it'll put out fifteen rounds in two seconds. You know even when I'm cross eyed it makes me feel like I can shoot anything, even Bugs Bunny or the Road Runner.
Healthcare, what's with the quotes?
The quotes are there because it has become more scam than health.
What would 'Marcus Welby' say?
Good old Marcus Welby would say "fuck this shit". They all say it - that is until they wave all that money under their noses, then they - like many others in their profession - would succumb and be grafted into a system so filled with corruption it has doubled over into itself. But on a more positive note... we have progressed from medieval times when only the rich could afford quality healthcare and superstitious religion was used all over people. Have we not?

Tuesday Foto-tronics

Take Me To The Bridge

TMITH's Bridge concept render handsomely scanned from paper and then screen captured-snipped

It is photo electronics for the Cosmic's graphical forces. No commentary we are plum out. Or is that plumb-out? Out of plumb?