Kens Molecular Hammer

Front and rear label for Kens Molecular Hammer Bathroom Cleaner - needs proofreading

Would you like a bathroom cleaner that won't asphyxiate you when you spray some in your tub, yet actually will clean the dead skin cells, calcium deposits and soap residue left on and built up for perhaps - centuries? Then look no further. A life changing bathroom cleaner has arrived, it may have been sent from heaven, at least that is how we at the Cosmic feel about it. Soon available at your local grocer, that is unless those assholes at ____ corporation move to block it, which they should because it only costs about a third the price of anything they make, is environmentally friendly and outperforms their noxious fume bubble bombs two to one. No brag, just fact.

The Backstory...

     Kens... bathroom cleaner did not just burst into the scene like the cleaning hurricane that it is, but took painstaking effort and testing before arriving at the enviable position of being the best bathroom cleaner in the universe. 

Rear label of initial offering, text by Deegan 

Humble Beginnings
Taking a secondary position to industry leaders "Lady In A Soap Dish" offered a pleasant option to the strong smelling chemically laden products of the money grubbing corporate soap monopolies. Not only was it created by gentle handed commoners, there was hardly any profit realized - so you could rest assured that you were not paying for some silver plated yacht on the edge of a Caribbean pleasure island (or even a rowboat on Lake Michigan). Then our scientific team realized that our shit was actually better than Scrubbing Bubbles™! That's when we changed the packaging. We ditched the big busted redhead and got some scientific sounding rapier-wielding hoo-ha going. Then we took off the ingredient list because we want only Cosmic readers to be able to make it themselves. The deal is you have to spray it on then wait for two-three minutes before wiping it off. The plus is everything stays cleaners longer and it rinses much easier, saving water, and by extension - the world.

Use distilled water - don't be so goddamn cheap. Also don't forget to invert the spray bottle three times to begin the molecular action. (upside down then right side up gently - we don't want it to explode)

8:8:2 is a ratio  like 4:4:1 or 16:16:4 (however you want it to sound) Also of note: Use white vinegar and softsoap© "crisp cucumber and melon" liquid hand soap. The vinegar smell is reduced in this manner. If you simply cannot endure any vinegar smell how the hell do you eat salad? You picky ass bastard.