The Chess Game Of God

It Came To Pass...

    ...that the people themselves, the insolent faithless crowd, ones throbbing in the turbulent sea of their own filth, these very ones came to say, Who made us like this? Who created such an abhorrence? Who made man weak and slimy and then proceeded to fill the earth with so many egregiously huge assholes? Who? Was it you, oh God?

1. Then God, filled with patience and love, broke it down for them in as many ways possible, each according to their own race, culture and climate. He made ways for each man to own God as his very own creation and claim practically anything that occurred as a sign from him. How can I miss? said God to himself. Then he sat back and watched as it began to unfold.
2. The people did not cut the mustard. Their hypocrisy was so great the heavens themselves groaned and shuddered. Their stupidity and ignorance was only surpassed by their hate.
3. God said to himself, I do not make any mistakes. Therefore this shit is unreal. Accordingly, God declared that everything he does is perfect.
4. The people though sitting and staring around with water-heads and lost within the confines of their own useless minds said "Huh? We don't understand!" Then somebody somewhere yelled "CHEESE!" or some other outstandingly inarticulate term - and all the people got up, yelled "WAR!" and began slaughtering each other with a great slaughter - also destroying the earth, air and sea. God watched slightly amused, then he grew bored.
5. God then declared man to be a bad tenant, the worse kind actually, who not only does not pay his rent but destroys the property as well. God then said "I have got to get man off of the earth altogether, for he sucks in more ways than is permissible to count, even for me.
6. So God stopped watching the affairs of humans and instead set a time to come back and Shop-Vac™ man from the face of the earth. "They are no longer on point", said God.
7. You then know your time is coming, with a great "whooshing" sound it will arrive and no one will escape. Not even the assholes who think they know God. Actually he will come for them first, they will get caught in the great HEPA® filter of their own hypocrisy.

See here,
I did not make assholes, they made themselves. Says it in my book. See! I set the whole thing in motion and made it possible but, hey you don't get to ask any questions of me. So beat it. 
Yours Truly
GOD

Chess Piece Thursday - Porno Flor-Duh

TMITH - THE KNIGHT designed for the Cosmic's own chess games

Please don't steal my chess design, I'm hoping to sell it for a million dollars (after I finish it) so I can pay for "healthcare" after I retire. Five more pieces and I can afford a trip to the emergency room in the year 2022.

A Salt Rifle

I need one to carry to the salt mines. No one knows I work in the mines. I wear a suit and tie on the train then switch to coveralls when I get there.  Never mind that though, the point here is this.
      When I use a single shot rifle I can never kill the rabbit, but salt rifles give me more shots at the varmint. When I hit 'em there is usually not much left, they are all shredded fur and blood. It's hard to pick out the meat. That is the price you pay. Additionally if you graze one and he becomes enraged who knows what he might do to you? With salt rifles I can hit him ten more times before he can think about it.

Flor-Duh

From a politician down in Florduh: "People die. That's automatic. What's not automatic is the money I get from the NRA. I have to earn it. That is why I always say no to any kind of gun control whatsoever. Why do I even have to explain the obvious to you people? Are you slow? Maybe you deserve to get (shot). Pornography, now there is a problem that won't be bribed away!. Now get out of my office before I call security. Does security carry AR-15's? You bet they do!"

Comments

Siggy - You mean assault don't you?
I don't care how you spell it, just as long as it'll put out fifteen rounds in two seconds. You know even when I'm cross eyed it makes me feel like I can shoot anything, even Bugs Bunny or the Road Runner.
Healthcare, what's with the quotes?
The quotes are there because it has become more scam than health.
What would 'Marcus Welby' say?
Good old Marcus Welby would say "fuck this shit". They all say it - that is until they wave all that money under their noses, then they - like many others in their profession - would succumb and be grafted into a system so filled with corruption it has doubled over into itself. But on a more positive note... we have progressed from medieval times when only the rich could afford quality healthcare and superstitious religion was used all over people. Have we not?

Tuesday Foto-tronics

Take Me To The Bridge

TMITH's Bridge concept render handsomely scanned from paper and then screen captured-snipped

It is photo electronics for the Cosmic's graphical forces. No commentary we are plum out. Or is that plumb-out? Out of plumb?

Wheems and Phineas

The Cosmic Staff Draws

Everybody wonders what the staff looks like, who are the faces behind those voices? That is why we are drawing each other and leaving nothing to the imagination...



Ken by Phineas

TMITH with Sally (in the background) by Wheems

Wheems: TMITH's dull almost comatose expression never varies, he wears his hat continuously. He wears it to bed, even in the shower - he never takes it off. His wife is very muscular and is always wearing super hero tights. She is shown here trying to get him to take his lunch to work at the salt mines. His house is American enough but has some too quaint touches that make it almost Bulgarian.
Wait this isn't for a comic strip? How come TMITH has drawn me as a cartoon character?


Wheems and Phineas by TMITH

 

 

Deegans Photo Tuesday

It's not Tuesday and it's not a photo

Split balance. Deegan tries to draw TMITH (on left) Image split and recombined (middle and right)

 Part of our series of staff portraits by other staff members. Everyone on staff will be drawn by everyone else on staff. No holds barred.

TMITH: There is simply no way I am that ugly. My chin looks like it takes up half my face. You can't draw portraits very well.
Deegan: It looks just like you. You can't face reality.
TMITH: It looks like a police sketch mock up.
Deegan: ____ you. Hey, look what Sally came up with!

 Deegan: That's you! Now THAT is what you really look like! Face it!
Sally: I call it  "The Construct of  TMITH"
TMITH: Construct? You guys are giving me a complex... my nose! Sally, what's up with that?
Sally: The first nose was too small so I put one on that fit over it.

Sam The Synergistic Mystic - Voodoo Child

Questions and answers from one of our most sincere advice columnists.



TMITH - Art Deco inspired railing circa 1988 (destroyed 2015) photo by Reynard



Dear Sam

Well, the night I was born, Lord I swear the moon turned a fire red
The night I was born, I swear the moon turned a fire red
Well my poor mother cried out "Lord, the gypsy was right!"
And I seen her, fell down right dead. (Have mercy)!*
Sam, that being said - what I want to know is this. Am I a voodoo child? This is really bothering me.

Signed, Bob.

Dear Bob,

Did mountain lions find you there waiting, and afterward set you on an eagles back? What? You don’t remember? Are your arrows made of desire? You are not sure? You don’t even have any arrows now, do you Bob? Well I guess we know now what the answer is now, don’t we. You are not a voodoo child. You - Bob, are an Episcopalian.

Dear Sam

     I saw an ad on TV for a car/truck that you could drive offroad for all the thrills and excitement that car driving can be. So I went and paid an exhorbitant amount for an exhilarating machine. I drove about 500 miles to get deep into the appalachian countryside and took my machine off-road for some ultimate driving experience. I've bumped my head on the ceiling of the truck a few times for excitement, but now I'm stuck in a ravine. My phone has no service at all and I'm lost. There are a few men with beards sticking their heads up over a ridge about half a furlong away. My question is, do you think they might help?

Felix Berenson - somewhere in Appalachia

Dear Felix,

     The men you see over the ridge are the Catska brothers. There is something definitely wrong with them. Get out of your car and run! Follow the tiremarks in that red clay until you hit the highway and pray they don't catch up to you. Godspeed.

Sam,
     I like doing laundry but this is ridiculous! It's getting to be more and more of a drag. I live in a cabin with seven little men. They work in a mine everyday. Do you know how dirty they get? I can't take it anymore. I need OUT. If a handsome prince doesn't show up soon and get me the hell out of here I don't know what I'm going to do. P.S. On top of that some old lady keeps bringing me skanky apples. I think she's trying to poison me. WTF!

Sylvia 'Snow' White, Brisket Diamond Mines, South Africa

Dear Sylvia,

     From what I hear they are paying you in diamonds for your night work. Does the prince know about that? Instead of waiting for your prince to come perhaps you should go out and get him - but not before you do a little introspection. Do you really want to leave? Do you know how much those men love you? Is not the love you get from the stubby seven far superior to what some spoiled brat-prince will offer, especially after he tires of you in three or four months? Think about it, unless you are into royal balls, fancy clothes servants bringing you food and people doing your laundry. Plus the ability to keep a stable of virile studs - to see to your every wuthering desire, (of which you have plenty). Then I guess its a no brainer.

  *From "Voodoo Child" - by Jimi Hendrix

The Scot - Part 2

Putting the pleasure in

The riverboat - "La Gonda" imaginary imagery by TMITH

Ah! The victuals! On the La Gonda it is more than just fine dining. Delicate meals with courses that are considerate to your digestive process. Each course is in harmony with the last. The final fragrant bite of the one setting up your taste buds for the next which overtakes it with even more succulent drama. Your digestion moves smoothly from one phase to the next with aromas and flavors that swirl around inside your palate and brain then deliver you near to heaven. I'll admit that I partake as God allows me - and I feel blessed when the chef gives some of what the guests' eat to the staff.
     The rooms. I still manage to somehow hide and watch like I did back in the cathedral except that I'm in the vents behind the grates. In the rooms they take your simple passions and break them down into succulent bits, each one memorable and fulfilling in themselves. Then they group them and layer them such that it overwhelms the senses. I seen a few take their leave of this world while being coaxed to superior heights of ecstasy, even I cannot believe what I see at times. It is not often I do this. It's a sin burned into me by my childhood and try as I might I fall into it every now and then. The vents are cleaner than a china plate by my working through them though, so there is some good.

     I've got to get back to work. I continue with the grease, fumes and heat - sometimes when I'm down below deck, I feel that God is giving me a taste of hell. It is a reminder to behave, I must not to let my guard down! I must admit, there are aches at times in my loins so great that I might just... Stop! I must not waste my time thinking, as there are too many ways one can lose control, especially on this boat. This is my lot and I'm thankful for it. Chief engineer Thon May - true Christian, also known as 'The Scot' (Ha!) I've got to leave now, number six needs greasing.    

by PHINEAS