Where's My White Picket Fence

Photography and Album cover layout: TMITH, concept: Wheems

Bob,
I was in the record store last Thursday night after I got off my shift at Okra Burgers and I saw this CD by Wooden Head. That's when it hit me. "I'm never going to get a white picket fence, a house, a wife and 2.5 kids much less a summer home in the Hamptons." By the looks of things, one trip to the emergency room and I'll be out on the streets. They told me, "Just work real hard and you'll make it for sure! So far though all I've got for my hard work is two dollars over minimum wage. I don't get it. Do you or your staff have any advice about my condition? What's the real deal?
Jimmy

Deegan says:
Jimmy there is always a chance. Don't be so gloomy. You keep looking at actual reality. Stop that. America's GREAT and also kind of orange.

Zzen:
Jimmy all of humanity suffers desires of thinking as you do, no matter how many concubines and chests of gold they possess. On the other hand they, unlike you, can afford decent medical care.

Phineas:
You need to rearrange your priorities so that your desires match your capability to suppress them.

Sally:
I never date a man that works at a burger joint, not so much that he's broke, but there is always that lingering smell of grease on him that shuts down my pheromone detectors to the point where no matter how desperate I am I cannot proceed with him.

Noah's Ark

Yet another Monday...

Noah's abilities in animal husbandry were sorrowfully weak.

     Bored out of his mind on a Monday morning God tells all the angels in heaven that he is going to do “The Ark Story” on Noah and his family. He will destroy the rest of mankind because they could not cut the mustard. All the angels cheer wildly when he says it - but have no idea what God is talking about.
     He tells Noah to build a huge raft with sides and a top capable of carrying and supporting a pair of every land animal on earth. Better than the biggest and best zoos on the planet. After a while god realizes that Noah‘s woodworking skills are not commensurate with the task - and even if they were there would be no way in heaven or hell that anyone could pull off such a Herculean feat. To correct matters he starts a nice rainstorm and puts everybody to sleep.
     While Noah and his family are sleeping, he inserts "The ARK STORY” into their minds. God lets the rest of mankind die in their sleep, their flesh and bones eaten by vultures and crawling things. Upon regaining consciousness Noah has a vivid recollection of the story of the Ark and the feeding of the animals that will only eat live meat*, but somehow does not notice that there are no animals and no ark anywhere in the vicinity. “God must’ve put the ark up for safekeeping” Noah rationalizes. The others follow along with Noah because they are incapable of independent thought.
     That is why in every culture, and family of man around the globe, the story of the ark continues in all its profoundly preposterous glory.

*The lions, tigers and bears proved to be culinary experts, turning their noses up at the many rats and rabbits that Noah tried to foist on them. Then God made it so they just slept for the rest of the trip and Noah only had to deal with the tons of excrement from the hay eaters...

Graphical Wednesday In Blue

TMITH & Ken - LAGONDA III

Nerve cooling exercises in sexual blue, or asexual blue as it pleases the priesthood-lums in your district

Rake Some Leaves

Concept: Phineas - Graphics: TMITH

Drawing With Uncle Percy

Deegan found one of the old art method books his uncle authored and wanted to talk about it.
Here is Sally's interview with him.

Sally: Well this is a little off the beaten path for an art instruction book! What was your uncle’s full name again?

Deegan: Percival Origen Deegan. He was a little different.

S: He really knew how to draw, paint and what have you. Did he write any other how to books or draw anything else?

D: He only drew peoples butts.

S: What? Really?

D: Well he drew other things, but when it came to people, he only drew buttocks. He did write a book about drawing various cheeses.
S: How to draw cheese? That is a bit odd.
D: His blue cheese sketches were immaculate, they sold for quite a bit of money.

S: Fascinating. I heard your uncle was a bit of a con man.

D: Who did you hear that from! I’d like the beat the hell out of them.

S:  So, it’s true?

D: Of course, it’s true, that’s why am upset and can’t ignore it.

S: But a hell of a painter!. I just looked at that old book, it's gorgeous. I wish I had...

D:  Yes, Uncle Percy, painter of butts. He spent time with that painter of light guy, I forgot his name.

S: Thomas Kincaid?

D: Yeah that’s him. As I recall he told my dad once, “That TK, he’s a shyster’s shyster! If I only had half his flimflam I’d be a millionaire!”

S: Your uncle got someone to print a book devoted to drawing asses and named it that. That takes a lot of uh, presence.

D: Uncle Percy learned how to do it from Thomas Kincaid - that guy could charm a rock formation into a bouquet of flowers!

S: Indeed. OK I’ve had enough.

D: Bye to you too.

Proud Jesus Moments

Jesus In Action!

Caution: Superstition Danger Ahead. Do not proceed carrying any social or religious superstitious baggage. 

Click on graphic to view

I was so proud that Jesus stood up for me that night.

COMMENTS:
That wasn't Jesus! That was a police helicopter!  Chester, how many times are you going to tell this crazy story!

Graphical Tuesday

From TMITH's Archive

38 years ago Ken cut loose with a dip pen and india ink

Out Of Egypt

Whose God is bigger?

Part two of the Pharaoh - Moses Trilogy. For part one see https://artandwordgrinders.blogspot.com/2017/09/is-he-always-like-this.html

All reference are bible based facts - see the twelve plagues if in doubt

Standard Operating Procedure

We do it all the time, so what's the problem?

Mick Mulvaney breaks it down for you.

Dialog: Phineas

Comments:
This is how we do it! Corruption? I don't see any.
W. Barr - Crichton, Texas

The Fly and The Gods

"The Spider" –  Tales from the Ancients

TMITH's interpretation of the ancient clay

The spider, weakened from hunger, finally feels the web tug and sees a fly trapped and struggling. He goes to prepare his feast, yet only feebly. The fly, angry and frustrated, cries out to the Gods, “By whose hand do these things occur and what is the meaning of all this? Let me then put up a fight worthy of a show!” The Gods are amused and ‘touch’ the fly. 
     The spider approaches expecting a short battle, his prey is already doomed. Why would he put up much of a fight? He notes a strange gleam about the fly, one he has never noticed in any of his previous captures. He pulls up to further restrain and tranquilize the fly, but something is amiss. The fly in a sweeping almost superhuman motion reaches out with his mandible and cuts one of the spider’s legs clean off. The spider is shocked and says, “What! What manner of trickery and magic is this?!!” The fly says, “That too was my refrain, except watch me now.” Then he bites off all the rest of the spider’s legs. The spider says, “Now we’ll both die, you fool!” At that the fly retorts brazenly, “fear not ye of little to no legs. I will extract the essence which allows you to walk the web, in your case formerly of course! Then I will leave you here to gnaw at your own flesh!” "You are too hasty, fly!" The spider rolls while shooting a perfectly aimed web at the fly. Caught off guard the fly freezes in disbelief but the web comes up short, a mere millimeter from the fly’s face, and has no effect. Recovering from his fear the fly lashes out and cuts the spider open. He then coats his feet with the spider’s essence and buzzes away. As he flies, he turns his head looking backward at the spider, and says “Well look at big daddy no-legs! Not so tough now, are you!" His voice was a mixture of scornful disdain and haughtiness, but only for a moment - for he turns back only to see and then drive deep into another spiders web. It is the creation of a young, energetic and very hungry yellow spider. The yellow greets him with open arms smiling and licking his chops, all the while singing and humming like a complete psychopath.

      “The fly was so close”, said Due, one of the gods on the threshing floor.  “Should we give him another chance?” “No, he forgot us. Now we have forgotten him. He deserves his fate, this is sealed", says Decideum, "Let the scribe of the court enter it." 

     Below on earth the yellow speaks to the fly while wrapping him up, “I saw what you did to Bob over there, that was not very nice. What was that about no legs? I guess I'll start with this one!"

What Can I Say

A grifter's gotta grift 

He's The Greatest President Ever, and that's putting it mildly

Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires

Unexplodable Balloon Dog

From The Art Department: Unexplodable Balloon Dog Only Slightly Startled By Giant Straight Pin

     In his ongoing obsession with Jeff Koons metallicized balloon dog, Deegan grabs a full hydraulic exoskeleton and breaks into Gallery M. There he drives a giant straight pin thru the sculptures body. His hope was that it would burst into shards like any other balloon. Instead of the total destruction intended Deegan's quite punishable-by-law offense only encouraged Koons and allowed the resulting piece (after a little burnishing) to be sold for an even higher price. (Twice the price of Koons most expensive shiny dogs to date.)

     The jury, once informed of the prices sought and paid for such an inane concept fully recognized the corrupt madness of the situation and declared the altered piece "a much improved and entertaining artwork". They reasoned that the new selling price "fully compensated Mr Koons for the damage inflicted".
      Deegan pled not guilty by reason of insanity and was released, but we will tease him about this like, forever.

Concept: Deegan, Modeling and layout: TMITH, Hyper-existentialism : Zzen, Coffee: Sally

Sally Adds - Who added "coffee: Sally" to that caption? What a bunch of sexist a-holes you are! The whole thing is quite sophomoric and really unbecoming. I thought the Cosmic was of a higher caliber.

And Roy Moore Was Still There

I couldn't take it anymore so I went deep in a cave...

That was back in December of 2017. Finally after all my vittles were consumed and I drank my last drop of water - I came out.... 

and Roy Moore was still there.

An Obvious Evil

Hell Freezes Over

okay, not really

But you will know that hell has frozen over once a 'supporter' truly understands this graphic.

Do you hate America? If you complain about certain obviously evil activities you do!

Our Deeply Held Fears

Photo Internet (Patton Oswalt tweet) - modified by Cosmic staff - Zzen

Who Is Greasy McSwindlefoot?

Concept: Phineas, Graphic paste up by TMITH with apologies to Brueghel, and somebody else

Jet's Don't Fly On Holy Spirit!

Once you speak to Reverend Good Enough for a jet plane all doubts will be erased...

The Falcon 7X - it's the modern day equivalent of a donkey
Have you wondered why your pastor doesn't have a jet plane?

Wheems: You once said that "if Jesus were alive today, instead of riding a donkey he would be flying in a jet plane". We get it, but how is it that the holy spirit directed you to the Falcon 7X?

Reverend Good Enough: Have you seen it? It is a beast! It's ungodly, but in a holy way! When people see it they holler "Jesus Christ RGE, that is one hell of a plane!" Then I caution them not to "take the lords plane in vain".

Wheems: How do you feel about the treatment of immigrant families at the southern border of the U.S.?

RGE: What does that have to do with my plane? Why all this talk about migrants? These people have suffered at the hands of multinationals for decades, now it's a big deal. Suffering is good, it's in the bible!

Wheems: Does that mean God is actually responsible for the way things are going, the misery of these families and the needless suffering of refugees around the globe? That is not a thing to be proud of. What are your thoughts?

RGE: You cannot question God. Who do you think you are?

Wheems: The same God that told you to get a Falcon 7X allows immigrant children to be torn from their families and sold into sexual slavery? How can that be?

RGE: The mysteries of God are legion. Do not question and doubt. You should pray to Jesus and make a donation to my church, then you will see the light of righteousness and hope. At that time Jesus will make a way for you to blame the immigrants themselves for their condition. Don't forget that donation, jets don't fly on holy spirit!

Wheems: How is it that God has not sent a lightning bolt with your name on it?

How We Write

Here is our creative method

First there are some random notes in a pseudo intellectual fake leather notebook. They are however written with a true pencil. The ideas themselves are real, 100% natural, non-GMO, orgasmic, with low mercury content.

Then a small army of scribes transcribe the notes to any one of the dogmatic electronic media bringers. These prepare the ideas for mass distribution.

Please note the transitions from the hardcopy-live page to the pixel prone pap of the hydro-electric image files...

The Wrong Drunken Asshole

Old news to consider...

Don't worry I won't be writing opinions, Mitch gave me a set of rubber stamps to use!

Kavanaugh addressing Christine Blasey Ford

at his reception/hearing where they all heard about his 'Calendar Encounter'. They also heard him recite women's names that he recalled from his younger days, this proved that he was not the drunken asshole Ms Ford thought he was, but merely another drunken asshole.


More here:
https://artandwordgrinders.blogspot.com/2018/10/klutch-kavanaughs-kave.html

Deegan Submits - The American Pie

How Americans Perceive Themselves

Our staff is free to peddle their concepts to other outlets... Deegan
submitted this to McSweeney's - it went unpublished, but why?

Now Who's The Man?

Looking Back At Miracles

…

because maybe we will get one in these times. Lord knows we need some!

Imagery: TMITH - Intuition: Sally/Reynard - Sarcasm: Deegan

Peters part in this segment was not shown. His portion was not very upbeat, it turns out he was 5% below the faith level required for flotation. So keep your faith on the high 80's or above.

...But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid...

see Matthew 14:22-33

Michele Bachmann Describes A Good Christian

Back in the day she would be punished for mocking God...

...but today the zombie crew just swallows it whole... Before I go too far lets review just what the hell I'm referring to. It started with this...

Word balloons by Sally

"[Trump] is highly biblical, and I would say to your listeners, we will in all likelihood never see a more godly, biblical president again in our lifetime. So we need to be not only praying for him, we need to support him, in my opinion, in every possible way that we can.

 - Bachmann describing our 45th president.


Here is a conversation between Bachmann and God. We cannot verify or substantiate it's truthiness, or applied truth meritocracy.
Michele Bachmann: I attach your name to Greasy McSwindlefoot and you won't stop me.
God Almighty: I'm not really into stopping people like you, not until...
MB: What are you, afraid? Did you run out of lightning bolts?
GA: If I felt like it I could have stopped you before you gestated. You people ruin my breakfast.
MB: HA HA! You're just a chicken heart!
GA: I am tempted to jump the timeline for a person like you, but... mercy.
MB: I have played the religious madwoman for decades with no repercussions, why stop now?!!

God sighs, then leaves the clinic.

The Jesus Preferences

Tres Jesus' - Of the three which do you prefer?

Cosmic staff photography, referencing John 2:1-11, John 2:13-16 and Matthew 26:39 - click for larger image

Comments:

The wedding at Cana featured a whole boatload of alcoholics who drank everything until there was not a drop in sight, it's a miracle they could even see straight much less determine what "the better wine" was. I say Jesus should have started off with a better miracle.

If you look at the ancient temple plan Jesus would have to have been Hercules to clear all of that huge area with just a whip of ropes. That said, wasn't Jesus kind of a Hercules? He was the son of God you know.

At Matthew we see Jesus changing his mind a little. You could say he was asking pops for a new script, like they do with the programmed beings in Westworld. That said aren't we just programmed beings? Repeating the stupid programming over and over? The wars, idiots running things, assholes as far as the eyes can see - ad-nauseam! Starvation, pestilence and reruns of awful TV shows. Jesus Christ Almighty!

Cracker Barrel

Book cover design by Cosmic Staff Artists.

Testimonials:

Greasy McSwindlefoot: (President, Unintentionally or PU) I almost fired Stevie - but then on the next day I got the joke. America is going to be like a barrel full of crackers!

Ann Coulter: (Pundit, Woman's Klan Auxiliary) I keep telling these dumb coons that America is 'post racial', Stephen explains how and why. Then he tells us who we are going to hate once everyone here is melanin deficient. 

Comments:

You can't call people Nazi's or Klansmen simply because they promote the concepts, ideas and passions of those groups. You don't know what kind of mask they where after work, for all you know it could be a dunce cap with flaps and eyeholes on it or something... 

Fear Pandering To Hate - Same Bus

All a good for nothing coward needs is an excuse to kill...

Eventually after the fear and hate-filled rhetoric is repeated often enough, a man of no value will stand up with his 2nd amendment AR-15 and attack the defenseless in a church or synagogue because he is a vile coward. A vile coward that has been encouraged by the ideas of hate, fear, half truths and tribal rhetoric - falling like bird excrement from the mouths of "luminaries" on staff at Faux.

Neither Ann nor Tucker cares about the defenseless ones harmed and killed

Bible Mondays

You ever wonder what is wrong with Monday?

Well you need wonder no more... See below for answers

The First Monday

It is in the Garden Of Eden that God decides to make the forbidden fruit tree. Human treachery, stupidity and misery soon follow. (Truthfully stupidity already existed but when you mix dumb and evil it gets extra special) God sees this as a good thing, it being a Monday and all. 

The Second Monday

One week later mentally challenged Eve eats the fruit from the tree on the advice of a talking garden snake (had to be a garden snake, just think about it). She will not let Adam touch her until he also eats. It is still Monday. Adam can only manage a few hours without it (there was little else to do besides eating and naming animals) so he relents, eats the fruit and gets laid. All humanity is doomed. God sees this as an opportunity for self-promotion*

The Third Monday

A couple of decades later its Monday again. Cain (Adam and Eve’s son) is upset because God is not a vegetarian. God rejects Cain’s big dinner salad of vegetables he offers as a sacrifice, but gives a big thumbs up to Abel (Cain’s brother) for his hickory smoked sheep. Cain responds by overreacting and getting violent. He cracks open Abel’s head with a handy chunk of granite that comes to be called “The Monday Stone”. God asks Cain what happened and he replies, "I couldn't help it. It's Monday for crying out loud!"

*One major religion spends an estimated 90% of their time and energy attempting to save humanity from the “Adam and Eve fruit stunt”.  They supply a well tortured savior, (though some believe his torture was insufficient, while others believe it was a little bit much) and promote him endlessly. Sometimes using fat men with white beards in red suits, bringing pretend gifts during the time of a Roman festival. They also use bunny rabbits made of chocolate with bunches of eggs, jelly beans, fertility rites, maypole dances and lots of praying. It gets a little bewildering - but somehow people get saved.

No Expectation Living

What Else Are You Too Smart For?

Ken's "VORTEX NO. 1"

I expected so much more...

I grew up in what I hoped to be the age of enlightenment, the "age of aquarius". They actually used to sing that it was the dawning of the age. Reasoning would win out over moronic interpretations and stridently destructive policy and thought. Then "all of a sudden" it was 2016 and my rose colored glasses caught fire and disappeared in a puff of acrid smoke.  

    Can you not enjoy today? Tomorrow they will tell you that your doom is imminent and each breath will be a struggle until your gasp is final. Does that mean your win at monopoly tonight is diminished? Are you too smart to play monopoly? What else are you too smart for? The point is this: I somehow expected a candle to improve my sex life. Now you might think that I'm not smart enough to play monopoly. But step back and replace the two words, candle and sex - with another set of words.  Maybe it's "better job" instead of candle or "life satisfaction" instead of "sex". Fixes are always just around the corner are they not? Maybe your life does not need so much fixing. Maybe it needs a little more living. Don't be so smart, at least not all the time.

     Ease up on expectations and live with your feelings - you might just find things that have always been there that you did not know existed - and lose things that you never had anyway. - M.H. Wheems

Comments:

Ferman Finnegan:

The buddha guys running around talking "enlightenment" also were always begging for food or "alms" - am I right?

Dear Ferman: Yes that is true. Some were sent as beggars, others as kings and then some were named Ferman... Sorry I couldn't resist that...

ART No.1 - Frozen Sour Grapes

Where the Cosmic processes your ideas about art and fixes them - because they are wrong. Trust us.

What makes art?  An idea, and following the idea -  an execution. Many times of the artist who failed to make the king happy. Idea and the execution come together and generate emotion. This emotive quality according to folklore, legend and academia must be presently felt by onlookers, random museum staff and scholars alike in order for work to be called "a masterpiece" of art. It also helps for the piece to be rather large - like a shark in a tank full of formaldehyde or gigantic metallized balloon dog. Though this is not necessarily a requirement (see the Mona Lisa) it always helps to stir the senses when an item is fucking HUGE.

"If I saw it in an alley and it was 9" tall, I'd fookin' step on it" - Deegan describing Jeff Koons "Balloon Dog Magenta "

The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living by Damien Hirst

How did he get it to hang out in the very middle of the tank? All my dead fish turn sideways and float to the top. I have about ten tanks with dead fish and nobody buys. Is it in my presentation? I want to be an artist like Damien Hirst, you know, rich. Somebody told me to try oil painting but I'm allergic to linseed oil. I like the fish idea but my landlord is starting to freak out about the smell.