Depends On Who's Holding It...

A Captain Kangaroo/Stephon Moment

Graphic by TMITH, captions by Deegan

Just in time for a kangaroo court! Let's just see. I can hear the decision now, "Anyone* with a cell phone in his hand is subject to be shot to death by the authorities".  Sounds reasonable to me Sean (FOX).

*The asterisk in this case is for persons who are able to discern things. Other people who get violent about complaints and protesters but not about actual killings - can disregard and put their heads back ___________ (Fill in the blank)

Hypocrisy No Longer Exists

Hypocrisy No Longer Exists?

Conservative "Christians" - Heavy on those quotes, Wilbur!

Good News! Hypocrisy is not extant. The word no longer has meaning. Evangelical Christians have beseeched the almighty long and hard to make the entire concept go away, (When Jesus calls them "hypocrites" and "offspring of vipers" the words merely bounce off.) Now they cannot tell an orangutan from a soul-less con artist. Nor can they tell a good-for-nothing man from a true believer. Is this actually good? Right and wrong are based only on the what group you belong to, if you are a conservative you are free to rape, steal, murder - tear babies from mothers what-ever. Like the Pharisees the EC's have a tendency to be racist, believe they are holier than you and look down on the poor  as not even human. 
      But how do they look Jesus in the eye while maintaining such a hypocritical stance?

• They just pray their way out of it.
• They hug the devil and pretend he's Jesus.
• Their self involvement prevents them from seeing reality.
• They get on the back of a dinosaur and ride with Jesus.

Other News

There are people who will say Greasy McSwindlefoot is doing a much better job than his black predecessor even while the world is being desolated. This administration can only be classified as catastrophic, how is that?

Newt Slimewich literally bragged to the Heritage foundation about bringing a few more vast swaths of the middle class down in flames. Why do these people hate the little man so much? It is as if they are not satisfied until they create some more misery for the disenfranchised.

Peanut Gallery:
We like the part about raping the earth and the endorsement of slavery. - EC Jones - unapologetic evangelical.

Kens Molecular Hammer

Front and rear label for Kens Molecular Hammer Bathroom Cleaner - needs proofreading

Would you like a bathroom cleaner that won't asphyxiate you when you spray some in your tub, yet actually will clean the dead skin cells, calcium deposits and soap residue left on and built up for perhaps - centuries? Then look no further. A life changing bathroom cleaner has arrived, it may have been sent from heaven, at least that is how we at the Cosmic feel about it. Soon available at your local grocer, that is unless those assholes at ____ corporation move to block it, which they should because it only costs about a third the price of anything they make, is environmentally friendly and outperforms their noxious fume bubble bombs two to one. No brag, just fact.

The Backstory...

     Kens... bathroom cleaner did not just burst into the scene like the cleaning hurricane that it is, but took painstaking effort and testing before arriving at the enviable position of being the best bathroom cleaner in the universe. 

Rear label of initial offering, text by Deegan 

Humble Beginnings
Taking a secondary position to industry leaders "Lady In A Soap Dish" offered a pleasant option to the strong smelling chemically laden products of the money grubbing corporate soap monopolies. Not only was it created by gentle handed commoners, there was hardly any profit realized - so you could rest assured that you were not paying for some silver plated yacht on the edge of a Caribbean pleasure island (or even a rowboat on Lake Michigan). Then our scientific team realized that our shit was actually better than Scrubbing Bubbles™! That's when we changed the packaging. We ditched the big busted redhead and got some scientific sounding rapier-wielding hoo-ha going. Then we took off the ingredient list because we want only Cosmic readers to be able to make it themselves. The deal is you have to spray it on then wait for two-three minutes before wiping it off. The plus is everything stays cleaners longer and it rinses much easier, saving water, and by extension - the world.

Use distilled water - don't be so goddamn cheap. Also don't forget to invert the spray bottle three times to begin the molecular action. (upside down then right side up gently - we don't want it to explode)

8:8:2 is a ratio  like 4:4:1 or 16:16:4 (however you want it to sound) Also of note: Use white vinegar and softsoap© "crisp cucumber and melon" liquid hand soap. The vinegar smell is reduced in this manner. If you simply cannot endure any vinegar smell how the hell do you eat salad? You picky ass bastard.

The Cosmic Truth Chess Set

The Cosmic Truth Chess Set - TMITH's own design and one of the last known vestiges of truth in the universe

A Huckabee Dribble Of Jesus

It takes a village... Deegan Speaks!

A few of Sarah's thoughts during a press briefing. Her disposition toward the truth is edifying...

DEEGAN Says...
It takes bunches of villages full of people with outsized tribal instincts* to hand over the reins of power to Nazi loving KKK minded world class society destroyers. The tribal minded slow people who will give you the large snips and let you cut their balls off. All while saying, "It's okay if he cuts my balls off, he has no melanin."
Yay freedom! Freedom from healthcare! Freedom to participate in endless war, because these colors don't run!" Yes, the ones with laundry commercials endlessly running in their skulls. The ones like Kim Davis who wear their hypocrisy on their sleeve and the ability to reason has left them with just a Huckabee dribble of Jesus on their chin. The ones willing to shatter the vase if they can't paint a swastika on it, like Betsy Devos and her "charter" (read segregated) school concepts. Jesus K Khrist!

*idiots

WORLD CLASS COMMENTARY - from the proletariat

How dare you call into question the character of Sarah Hucklebee? She's a Christian! You can tell by the things she says! - Jensen D.
Dear Sir,
Sarah, like her father Mike, is a strong conservative Christian and as such have a very “reverential” view of facts. They see reality with a Mike Pence style, it is much affected by what Jesus tells them at 2:00 in the morning. - Deegan
When you say "Nazi loving" I get the feeling you are condescending or putting down white supremacy in general. Is this what you are doing? You do know that there are good Nazis, don't you?
 - J.B. Sessions
Dear Jefferson,
Sarah says that racism is only bad when you have bad racists. The new administration, led by Greasy McSwindlefoot, is full of only the best racists.- Deegan
What is a "Huckabean"? - Sister Slappahand
Dear Sister Slappahand,
1. 'Huckabean' a basic lie, wrapped in doubtfully applicable bullshit. Told with an air of "Jesus put me here and I can tell you goddamn sinners anything and you must love it" tone.
Since you have given up on facts, I will give you huckabeans.

Jesus Gets Off His Dinosaur...

Leonard Da Vinci's "Yeshua Astride Behemoth". One can see the tail of the dinosaur circled in red. Some try to claim the tail was added to the drawing a few years later. We have checked and during that time period there were no American conservative christians. Plus it looks just like Da Vinci's work because it's kinda the same color*.


Tiletus and the Behemoth

1. Jesus approaches his disciples riding a small dinosaur with long rows of very sharp teeth.
2. The disciples grew afraid saying, "Go out from among us for fear your domestic animal will surely start devouring us with no hesitation and deal with us in a treacherous way."
3. Jesus got down from the dinosaur and said, "A twisted generation lacks faith! If your faith was strong you would put your face before the mouth of my dinosaur."
4. Tiletus (son of Beershaboth of Toth) said loudly, "I have strong faith!" He then came up out of the group and put his face before the dinosaur.
5. The dinosaur struck out and in an instant completely took off the face of Tiletus. The disciples were astonished, and some began to squirm and vomit.
6. Jesus walked over and put back on Tiletus' face, all the while saying, "In that day you must be quite sure that your faith is very strong, especially before you do something so terribly stupid. If you are not using discernment who will put your face back on?"
7. Then the disciples were amazed at Jesus wisdom and utterances. Because he was weak and stupid they sent Tiletus out never to return (Tiletus was simply ecstatic to have his face back.)There were then only twelve disciples left. (One of them would turn out to be a useful traitor).

*REBUTTAL

As an art historian I can tell you unequivocally that the tail was added later. The color is not the same nor is the stroke. Even the tool used to produce the line is not the same. You are viewing a forgery.
DS
Dear DS,
As you well know I don't believe experts, professors, smart people or scientists. Are you smart or something? Who did I vote for? Why is that of any concern here? You deny Jesus and he will deny you.
Wilford E. - Lay persons for the Holy Rood

So Universal

Quick Hits From The Cosmic Staff...

"Religion and war are two forms of mental illness that are so universal that no one actually notices how sad and pathetic they are." - Reynard

"Religion and war may well be forms of mental illness Reynard, but since we absolutely must have them, we will glorify them with words, pictures, poems and movies. Especially when we mix the two together. It makes for drama of the highest caliber - satisfying our private and public lust for blood, nation and honor." - Wheems

"You cannot speak of religion with disrespect, when you do we will take you to the flaming mouth of the volcano and toss in your foul words with your mouth wrapped around them. At that time they will sound like this, "AAAAAAH!" and "Lord help me please no, oh GOD!" But it will be too late! The fiery lake of molten rock will deconstruct your bones and there will be nothing left of you but a wisp of smoke! The Gods will inhale it as fragrance. - Akamu Alika

Ingrid Bergman as a fine-ass Joan of Arc, getting ready to be burnt up all religious like. - Deegan

Usually we recommend burning at the stake for people who disrespect religion. You may question our love for you and just how exactly you benefit, but believe us, it's good for you. - Deegan

It is not for us to determine whether or not religion is good or bad. It is enough to simply review the actions and results of it and...[ ] Wow, irrationality wins every time. We will stick with the benign, the banal, the oatmeal cookie recipe, etc. so some religious zealot does not dynamite our meager storefront, killing to make God happy. - Bob

War, religion and all it's adherents and worshipers will not be denied - as they are conscripted by the makers of us. Your whining at them will be as sheep bleatings and your caustic logical progressions will bounce off their heads as a rubber ball bounces off a concrete slab. Have no fear, you will die somewhere at any moment regardless. - Zzen.