Michele Bachmann Describes A Good Christian

Back in the day she would be punished for mocking God...

...but today the zombie crew just swallows it whole... Before I go too far lets review just what the hell I'm referring to. It started with this...

Word balloons by Sally

"[Trump] is highly biblical, and I would say to your listeners, we will in all likelihood never see a more godly, biblical president again in our lifetime. So we need to be not only praying for him, we need to support him, in my opinion, in every possible way that we can.

 - Bachmann describing our 45th president.


Here is a conversation between Bachmann and God. We cannot verify or substantiate it's truthiness, or applied truth meritocracy.
Michele Bachmann: I attach your name to Greasy McSwindlefoot and you won't stop me.
God Almighty: I'm not really into stopping people like you, not until...
MB: What are you, afraid? Did you run out of lightning bolts?
GA: If I felt like it I could have stopped you before you gestated. You people ruin my breakfast.
MB: HA HA! You're just a chicken heart!
GA: I am tempted to jump the timeline for a person like you, but... mercy.
MB: I have played the religious madwoman for decades with no repercussions, why stop now?!!

God sighs, then leaves the clinic.

The Jesus Preferences

Tres Jesus' - Of the three which do you prefer?

Cosmic staff photography, referencing John 2:1-11, John 2:13-16 and Matthew 26:39 - click for larger image

Comments:

The wedding at Cana featured a whole boatload of alcoholics who drank everything until there was not a drop in sight, it's a miracle they could even see straight much less determine what "the better wine" was. I say Jesus should have started off with a better miracle.

If you look at the ancient temple plan Jesus would have to have been Hercules to clear all of that huge area with just a whip of ropes. That said, wasn't Jesus kind of a Hercules? He was the son of God you know.

At Matthew we see Jesus changing his mind a little. You could say he was asking pops for a new script, like they do with the programmed beings in Westworld. That said aren't we just programmed beings? Repeating the stupid programming over and over? The wars, idiots running things, assholes as far as the eyes can see - ad-nauseam! Starvation, pestilence and reruns of awful TV shows. Jesus Christ Almighty!

Cracker Barrel

Book cover design by Cosmic Staff Artists.

Testimonials:

Greasy McSwindlefoot: (President, Unintentionally or PU) I almost fired Stevie - but then on the next day I got the joke. America is going to be like a barrel full of crackers!

Ann Coulter: (Pundit, Woman's Klan Auxiliary) I keep telling these dumb coons that America is 'post racial', Stephen explains how and why. Then he tells us who we are going to hate once everyone here is melanin deficient. 

Comments:

You can't call people Nazi's or Klansmen simply because they promote the concepts, ideas and passions of those groups. You don't know what kind of mask they where after work, for all you know it could be a dunce cap with flaps and eyeholes on it or something... 

Fear Pandering To Hate - Same Bus

All a good for nothing coward needs is an excuse to kill...

Eventually after the fear and hate-filled rhetoric is repeated often enough, a man of no value will stand up with his 2nd amendment AR-15 and attack the defenseless in a church or synagogue because he is a vile coward. A vile coward that has been encouraged by the ideas of hate, fear, half truths and tribal rhetoric - falling like bird excrement from the mouths of "luminaries" on staff at Faux.

Neither Ann nor Tucker cares about the defenseless ones harmed and killed

Bible Mondays

You ever wonder what is wrong with Monday?

Well you need wonder no more... See below for answers

The First Monday

It is in the Garden Of Eden that God decides to make the forbidden fruit tree. Human treachery, stupidity and misery soon follow. (Truthfully stupidity already existed but when you mix dumb and evil it gets extra special) God sees this as a good thing, it being a Monday and all. 

The Second Monday

One week later mentally challenged Eve eats the fruit from the tree on the advice of a talking garden snake (had to be a garden snake, just think about it). She will not let Adam touch her until he also eats. It is still Monday. Adam can only manage a few hours without it (there was little else to do besides eating and naming animals) so he relents, eats the fruit and gets laid. All humanity is doomed. God sees this as an opportunity for self-promotion*

The Third Monday

A couple of decades later its Monday again. Cain (Adam and Eve’s son) is upset because God is not a vegetarian. God rejects Cain’s big dinner salad of vegetables he offers as a sacrifice, but gives a big thumbs up to Abel (Cain’s brother) for his hickory smoked sheep. Cain responds by overreacting and getting violent. He cracks open Abel’s head with a handy chunk of granite that comes to be called “The Monday Stone”. God asks Cain what happened and he replies, "I couldn't help it. It's Monday for crying out loud!"

*One major religion spends an estimated 90% of their time and energy attempting to save humanity from the “Adam and Eve fruit stunt”.  They supply a well tortured savior, (though some believe his torture was insufficient, while others believe it was a little bit much) and promote him endlessly. Sometimes using fat men with white beards in red suits, bringing pretend gifts during the time of a Roman festival. They also use bunny rabbits made of chocolate with bunches of eggs, jelly beans, fertility rites, maypole dances and lots of praying. It gets a little bewildering - but somehow people get saved.

No Expectation Living

What Else Are You Too Smart For?

Ken's "VORTEX NO. 1"

I expected so much more...

I grew up in what I hoped to be the age of enlightenment, the "age of aquarius". They actually used to sing that it was the dawning of the age. Reasoning would win out over moronic interpretations and stridently destructive policy and thought. Then "all of a sudden" it was 2016 and my rose colored glasses caught fire and disappeared in a puff of acrid smoke.  

    Can you not enjoy today? Tomorrow they will tell you that your doom is imminent and each breath will be a struggle until your gasp is final. Does that mean your win at monopoly tonight is diminished? Are you too smart to play monopoly? What else are you too smart for? The point is this: I somehow expected a candle to improve my sex life. Now you might think that I'm not smart enough to play monopoly. But step back and replace the two words, candle and sex - with another set of words.  Maybe it's "better job" instead of candle or "life satisfaction" instead of "sex". Fixes are always just around the corner are they not? Maybe your life does not need so much fixing. Maybe it needs a little more living. Don't be so smart, at least not all the time.

     Ease up on expectations and live with your feelings - you might just find things that have always been there that you did not know existed - and lose things that you never had anyway. - M.H. Wheems

Comments:

Ferman Finnegan:

The buddha guys running around talking "enlightenment" also were always begging for food or "alms" - am I right?

Dear Ferman: Yes that is true. Some were sent as beggars, others as kings and then some were named Ferman... Sorry I couldn't resist that...

ART No.1 - Frozen Sour Grapes

Where the Cosmic processes your ideas about art and fixes them - because they are wrong. Trust us.

What makes art?  An idea, and following the idea -  an execution. Many times of the artist who failed to make the king happy. Idea and the execution come together and generate emotion. This emotive quality according to folklore, legend and academia must be presently felt by onlookers, random museum staff and scholars alike in order for work to be called "a masterpiece" of art. It also helps for the piece to be rather large - like a shark in a tank full of formaldehyde or gigantic metallized balloon dog. Though this is not necessarily a requirement (see the Mona Lisa) it always helps to stir the senses when an item is fucking HUGE.

"If I saw it in an alley and it was 9" tall, I'd fookin' step on it" - Deegan describing Jeff Koons "Balloon Dog Magenta "

The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living by Damien Hirst

How did he get it to hang out in the very middle of the tank? All my dead fish turn sideways and float to the top. I have about ten tanks with dead fish and nobody buys. Is it in my presentation? I want to be an artist like Damien Hirst, you know, rich. Somebody told me to try oil painting but I'm allergic to linseed oil. I like the fish idea but my landlord is starting to freak out about the smell.