Grendel's Mother, Carly!

 I'll Get You And Your Little Dog Too!

Carly Fiorina's disposition and comments about her PP lies remind me of...

The wicked witch from the wizard of Oz...


Malheur, Wait a Minute... Isn't That French?

Bundy Family Values

 

Heroes fighting against America, for America, for a strong Ameri... huh?

(to see full size click image)

Ask The Deacon

What Do You Make Of This?

Concept: Zzen, Graphic: TMITH

 Dear Deacon Jones:

I saw this billboard and it really bothered me. It’s like they blame God for the misery on earth! What do you make of this?

Jon Dekuyper Heiser – Danville, Illinois

Dear Jon:

I like the way you spell it - like you ran out of consonants! At any rate Jon, do not let your heart be troubled. God is not the evil "mastermind behind all creation" that some make him out to be. True, the big "G" created all things - including mans behaviours – Then he gave man the choice - to choose wrongly - and man does that. Whose fault is that? Logic may dictate that is the creators fault, but Deacon Jones say no! Do not let logic dictate when it comes to God! Rational thought has no place in religion.

Dear Deacon Jones:

I saw a billboard and it makes me think God can do whatever he is in the mood for. It’s like he created everything so he gets to destroy it - like a five year old does a tower of blocks he made. What do you think, I’m so confused! I sent a picture of it.

Laura Dekuyper Heiser – Danville, Illinois

Dear Laura:

It is so very hard to believe you are not related to Jon somehow - but at least you spell your name the American way. See here. Let me put it this way. God makes a point in ways that may - to us - appear slightly harsh. Like when David took a census. God had already told him not to but being slightly retarded David did it anyway. Then God killed 70,000 people who had no say in the matter. God is good, do not worry. Those people could have remembered… This is what everyone among those who are numbered shall give: half a shekel according to the shekel of the sanctuary...” (Exodus 30:12-13) But they were goofing off when they went to temple and forgot all about it.

Goldilocks and the Vegetarian Bears

In the woods a girl with golden hair sees a house with the door ajar. Not knowing right from wrong she proceeds to walk right in and eat the owner’s vegetarian stew - somehow believing she had a God given right to it. After stuffing herself she felt tired and decided to sit. She spies a tiny delicate chair and sits down and destroys it with her massive hips. Being somewhat dimwitted she picks another chair, obviously too large as she had to practically climb to get into it. After five uneasy minutes she climbs down and sits in the chair of obvious proportions, finally realizing that what she really wants is a nap. She wanders upstairs to find a place to recline. There are three beds; she picks the two wrong ones first. As soon as she settles in on what should have been the first choice she is fast asleep and snoring loudly.
The owners come home expecting to eat their frugal repast but instead find their home vandalized and call the forest ranger. Instead of Ranger Smith a swat team arrives - guns drawn, seeing the bears as part of a minority of vegetarians they are going to shoot first and ask questions later. The only thing saving the bears was the captain’s recollection of Mrs. Bear making a donation just last week to the policeman’s association. They hold their fire and ask little Goldilocks how she is doing. "I was just taking a nap" she said. She is escorted out and down what appears to be a yellowish brick road. Mr. Bear is fuming because they released Goldilocks on her own recognizance. He is told to stand down, in a rather firm manner.

None of this would have happened if the bears had not decided to become vegetarians - as they would have simply eaten the little thief.

 The moral of the story is this...
You can be a vegetarian, but always lock your doors - even if you live out in the middle of the woods - there may wander in a marauding blonde girl named "havoc" once she gets in all hell will break loose...

Make The Most Of It

Department of False Optimism

Bad Photoshop job - TMITH

What are you doing? Are you just going through the motions?

You say it's a mundane task anyway? That's no excuse!

Do what you are doing like your life depended on it, hard clean

and tight! Are you flipping burgers? Then let them say about

you, "Look at that guy flipping burgers, he is so precise - right

in the middle of the bun!"



Answers To "Fan" Comments

Complaint Dept.

To the Cosmic editor

I must take issue with "The First Asshole". Here you are making fun of the lord! Such blasphemous speech would get you tortured to death back in the biblical days! You would be stoned, set on fire or both!                                                  

(name witheld)

Dear Nameless

Are you saying Adam was without sin? Or that somehow you aren't? I'm sorry, you were born in it. That makes you an asshole. The fact that you believe my writers posts should meet criteria developed in a prepubescent Sunday school mind - is case in point. You reference stoning too! How cute!

Dear Deegan

Everybody is not an asshole, why do you say mean things? I’m not an asshole.

Shane Melvin-Greer, Tangly Oregon

Dear Shane (Can I call you Tangly? It’s such a cool name)

We had just finished watching about seven minutes of the republican “debate” (that’s all we could stand) and it so darkened our worldview that we – by extension - attached all of no-reason-for-living humanity to that event. We now realized humans were created with fear and hate buttons. The buttons can be pressed by any random asshole - say Carly Fiorina - and an asshole with a gun will just run with it. See proof below. Now back to you Tangly, you are a truly beautiful sensitive soul… but you're still a little asshole. It’s ok really, you are not a Carly Fiorina type asshole - more of a minor league one…

 One of Adams offspring: "I killed 'cause killin' is wrong" - proof of genetic assholery

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Yosemite Sam For Republican Presidential Candidate

His likes guns, but probably is not racist enough

 

I keep waiting for Donald Trump to say "I'm the rootin-est, tootin-est, shootin-est..."

 

More Fun If It Were A Movie...

Bernie and the Golden Fleece

Graphic by TMITH, Concept Reynard

A Word From Our Sponsor

After a time Tom took to living in a barrel. It had wheels and was big enough to sleep in. He would move it around in an effort to avoid the authorities. It didn't work and now he is in jail. Don't live in a barrel, get Direct TV and stay out of jail.

 

Peace On Earth

On a Tuesday afternoon about 2:35, there will be a fraction of a second divided by six where there will be all over earth, peace

 

Sally Is In Jail

Sally tried to get in on the "Adult Coloring Book" craze but did not quite understand what they meant by "Adult".

 

The First Asshole

Then after making all these things God created Adam and said: "Look I've created my first asshole!"

 

Boring!

After a time the flowers and the trees came back, even after the "conservatives" had tried their best to destroy them all. The few survivors lived in peace and no longer wrecked the place, and the gods said, "BORING!"

 

Just Like Jesus?

The More Righteous, The More Bloody

How long is God going to let these major league assholes run around representing him?