Cosmic Staff Confessions - Part 1

We had an analyst come in the Cosmic office to verify our mental health status. Here are some excerpts from the sessions:

Reynard: When I see a small chubby person walking, sometimes I make a doink-doink-doink sound in my head, to match their footfalls.

Analyst: Why that's reprehensible!
Reynard: I didn't do it when you walked in, don't worry.
Analyst: I'm not small and chubby.
Reynard: Wow, you are good at analyzing. What school did you go to again?
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Sally: They hired me to answer the phone, but I should be running the place, I'm the only one around here that has any sense!
Analyst: Ok. Can you get me some coffee?
Sally: What?!! Why you sexist pig!
Analyst: No, really though coffee, please.
Sally: Oh. My. God. I'll get you some coffee alright! Just wait right there...
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Deegan: I got nothing for you Doc, because I don't give a shit.
Analyst: Do you think that's a healthy attitude?
Deegan: Fuck you.
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Phineas: All my stories have prostitutes or whorehouses in them.
Analyst: Have you ever been with one, or to a whorehouse?
Phineas: Why no!
Analyst: Then you should go to one, but they are rather expensive.
Phineas: Does insurance cover it?
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Tmith: All I can think of is a big chunk of animal flesh exposed to just the right amount of fire.
Analyst: Filet Mignon?
Tmith: I can eat that too. I guess. I was thinking of Mastodon meat.

True Sexual Nature

The Hard and Fast Reality of Things

"The Hard and Fast Reality of Things" or "True sexual Nature"

Wave Your Flag and Keep On Biting

March Of The Zombies

Reading Primer From The 1960's "Dick and Jane"

See... Dick Run

Run Dick run. See Sally see Dick and Spot. Spot barks, woof woof! See the zombies bite sally, bite bite Alt right! See the people scared and afraid, run Dick run! Dick sees Sally. Sally bites Dick. Dick turns right, Alt right! Sally bites Spot. Spot barks, Heil Heil, Woof-Heil! See McDonnel/Douglas, money, money, bomb, bomb, bomb! See Alka-Seltzer, Alka-Kay-Dah, Isil, Isotoner, Isotonics, memnonics, Dianetics, radical weight loss, radical Islam, Christian B-52's, corn pone, bombing drone, ethnic cleansing for your bathtub, refugees and the military industrial complex! Whew! Aren't you glad you're a zombie? You don't have to think of all that stuff. You don't have to think logically at all. Just wave your flag and keep on biting.

Department of Religion

Spiritual Cash Bar, Murphy's One Stop Prayer Shop

"You pay for you, we'll pray for you
Our prayers are silent and not condescending
No bending of ears and no never ending
The long of it is what you want and the short of it is what you get
For your prayers and ours are answered when your cash you've dispensed"
Fifteenth century engraving on the wall of castle Aught-Nee in the Welding's of Scotland. At least that's what Deegan said when he wrote it.

Clown Storm

Confetti or Gasoline?

No Beauregard, it is not water.

Clowns can be scary, funny, or just evil. We thought the joke could not get any bigger or actually take hold - but it did. It’s big! We are witnessing a “clown storm” before our very eyes. We are not sure what the clowns are are bringing. Remember the fires that the clowns would try to put out? The would run with buckets but they never had water. Some fires are conceptual - some are actual. What is terrifying (deeply disturbing?) is that ill conceived concepts morph into policy and then - acts of destruction.

     The proof is in the repetition of human behavior when it comes to terrible thoughts and ideas. Here is an example. Have you heard of female genital mutilation? Someone had to think of that. It began as a concept, a thought by some distorted male, then it spread and now still even to this day, mothers (who are most likely themselves victims of this crime) are taking their own daughters to be similarly maimed. This “concept” spread to many countries. This concept, so sad, so fearful, so unmanly is born of men’s fear of sexual inadequacy (also the need to control women) and a surprisingly hollow and weak answer to that fear. I have said all that to point out that no matter how heinous, foolish and awful an idea is, there is always a team of pure assholes to propagate it and get it going with a full head of steam. That is why the clown storm is so frightening.

So what are they bringing... confetti or gasoline?

 

Questions From Heretical Blasphemers

The Gentle Deacon Sums it up

Dear Deacon Jones:

I just realized that God is tired of me always asking for things.

That is, I believe, why he did not give me that high paying job or that new lawnmower. So I decided that since I am the one that has to do all the work for things that I want anyway - I need to start praying to myself. Here is a prayer I adjusted from a very common source to do just that. What do you think of it? - TS

My customized prayer: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for I am the shit. My own rod and my very own staff - they comfort me. No one else will provide me with rod and staff.

Dear TS,

You have lost your mind. Mental illness is no excuse when it comes to God. God is going to lightning bolt you. There can be no doubt. Expect no mercy or forgiveness, people like you deserve none. On the other hand I have noted that atheists and believers alike must complete medical school to become licensed drug dispensaries. So on that account only are you correct. You can share that point with one of your friends - while you burn in hell.

Forgot to shoot off the noses

Constructing God Part I

"Above all things make sure that God is the God of your people - first and foremost"

As a conservative Christian in America you must know that God is a white American male whose son looks like he is from Norway - except that he too, is a white American male.  God cares not to tax the rich and disdains the poor just as strongly as you. Whoever you kill is God's enemy and whatever you do has God's backing. It's Manifest Destiny, simply because God lets you get away with it. How do you feel?

Next: Salad Spinners for Aleppo

 

Grabbing America

He's Got Things In Hand!

I gotcha, honey! (Gosh, this thing is YUGE!)


God's choice* grabs America

TMITH comes up with a nicely mashed collage. The expression captures the essence of the times.

*according to conservative Christians (white supremacists), the Alt Right (white supremacists) KKK (white supremacists)the world round.

earlier version

REBUTTAL:

I'm a conservative Christian and I'm no white supremacist!

What color is Jesus?

He's white, like Santa Claus!

I'm glad you checked in. Please take a look at our following post to further your understanding, in it God explains things for you.

Uh, okay.

God's Candidate From Hell

Wow Batman! I bet you did not see that coming! (But Michael Moore did!) Remember all you religious fans - "God controls EVERYTHING".*

That being the case I see no reason for fear and worry.
Just like Germany in the 1930's
Everybody running scared
God came in and showed his wares
Battleships and cruiser bombers
Up and down the corridors of earth
Killing milling grinding the bastions
Tens of thousands of battalions
Glorious war like you've never seen it
Lockheed Martin and the others zenith
So if you've never had the chance
To twirl with death - to do the dance
Here it is and we guarantee it
God is giving and this time he means it


*Or so I've been told

Psychoanalysis of America - The Test Delivery Object (TDO)

The Donald Trump Test:  Procedure and Results

Prognosis:

Target Patient/Group is easily misled, delusional and displays a craving for false information and racist dialog. Target group is fearful and as a result of those fears, hateful. A large percentage of the target group appears to believe that a lack of melanin is somehow a sign of superiority, mentally as well as morally, despite concrete evidence to the contrary.

Donald Trump is the "TDO" (Test Delivery Object)

 

 

Procedure, Test and Results

 

Test Part I

Expose patient to random theory with zero probability

This allows us to gauge plausibility of “test delivery object” or TDO. The TDO in this case will be Donald Trump. Trump, known for decades as a sociopath and a generally low life weasel - whose only claim to fame is having access to cash and being a passably good con-artist. Trump will deliver and promote the “birther” theory. 
 

Test Result – Part I

Underestimation of racial intolerance/hate index

Patient’s racism allows inconceivable birther theory to advance - despite any rational coherent reasoning to the contrary. With these results we are able to proceed to Part II of the analysis, “The Candidacy”. 

Test Part II

If favorable response - increase dosage of bovina excrementata fourfold

While observing the general response of the masses use media buffering so that non-target audience does not over-respond. This is the “bend-point” in the analysis. Place hideous targets around TDO so he emerges as the obvious choice. Choose targets that are slimy and/or crazy and ill-begotten like Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina - and near felons such as Chris Christie.

Test Result – Part II

Bend Point Obliviousness - Republican Primary

Target and non-target are oblivious to TDO propping/staging. After many rounds of sub-idiotic banter the zombies are eliminated. Obvious impossibilities like random theory generator Carson, company destroying Fiorina, the self-loathing “John Ellis Bush” and other “losers” are gone. This leaves test delivery object (Trump) faced with “human environmental waste hazard” Ted Cruz. TDO wins primary with ease. General patient is mildly surprised and amused. Target audience is enthralled and practically giddy. Some subsets of the main group are concerned, but prove no match for media misdirection and smokescreens.  

Test Part III

Limits of Endurance - TDO Debates Republicrat HRC

TDO behavior during verbal cage matches (republican opponent HRC) will border on “grade school bully” to general lying and misdirection. TDO will deliver a mix of outrageous lies and half-truths to test the endurance of the target audience. If patient requests even higher doses of bovine waste increase to shock level and force close of experiment.

Test Result – Part III

Test Pattern and Procedures go unnoticed

Blatant media misdirection regarding TDO’s outrageous lies and falsified data proceeds without any annotation by the general public. TDO’s odious statements are continuously mollified until the “force close” when the media actually refer to TDO lies as “lies” this in the final stage of the test. Target audience is so addicted to the bovina excrementata that the actual highlighting of criminal activity does not dampen their enthusiasm for the TDO. It appears that for significant portions of humanus americanus there can be no recovery.

Addendum: Test has gone out of control and TDO is now president of the United States. OOPS! Sorry about that.

Conclusion

It is one thing to be entertained by a derelict character* on a television show (even then questionable), but to ask that he become your leader and president indicates a level of psychosis en-masse  never before charted in the annals of psychology. If one were of that disposition, one might consider it a prelude to judgment day. We realize however that it is merely the fear kickback of an African American president in a country founded on - and deeply steeped in - racism. We know rampant levels of sexism and misogyny exist in America.  How deep are they? Will we get a very clear picture of that very soon.  

*common known as an asshole