I'm The Plumber!

Future Funnies

Concept: Phineas  -  Modeling/Layout: TMITH

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Imperious 45 - Match Game

What's Not To Love?

Here's a guy who constantly presents a level of inane bullshit unprecedented in modern history.

ANSWERS
1-B, 2-F, 3-A, 4-E, 5-G, 6-H, 7-D, 8-C

What Is Your Belief System?

Who advocated running over protestors?

Concept: Phineas - Graphic:TMITH

A Conservative Christmas Carol

     Eversqueezer Scrooge, an upstanding citizen, concerned about law and order and the American way, (which is all the more remarkable because our story takes place in London), is sitting in his comfortably warm office watching his employee Bob Snatchit. Bob's hands are blue as he tries to stay warm in the anteroom where he works. He tries to do this without spending the money required to maintain a decent fire in the stove. Normally Scrooge wouldn't pause a second worrying about his worker since it only makes sense somehow that workers struggle through life, but Scrooge is faltering and thinking how a little coal wouldn't take much out of the profits, which admittedly were even greater this year. "I'm starting to actually have fellow feeling, that's troubling", thought Scrooge.

     A knock at the door and in barges his nephew who babbles on and on about holiday cheer and what not. His nephew then goes on to mention about how "Jesus especially helped the poor and the fatherless child, the sick and the widows..." Humbug! "American Jesus never worries about these things" Scrooge thought. A film formed in his mind and he started to empathize, thinking about the surgery Tiny Tim, Snatchit's son, needed to stay alive. Snatchit should have gotten a better job to save his son, but how could he? Scrooge caught himself thinking this and gasping in his own head "Could I be on the road to liberalism? Ugh!" His nephew noticed his pondering and said "Why Uncle, do I see a sign of pity on your face? Then you will be happy to see these two fellows!" The nephew beckoned two gentlemen collecting donations for the less fortunate. Scrooge was near to completely dismissing them out of hand but became cloudy headed and reached for his purse and out of his hundreds of gold coins pulled out two, sliding them across the desk toward the gentlemen. Astonished, the men took the money thanking Scrooge continually without letup. " Please take the money and go now, Merry Christmas" Scrooge mumbled. He did need to protect Christmas after all - but not with all the sharing. I'm losing my mind, thought Scrooge. Something must be done.

To be continued...

Happytown

A fine fountain pen. You could pay a thousand times the price of this one. Exactly what does that mean?

Right in the middle of middle America there is a place called Happy-town. Everyone in Happy-town has an ultra-white fence, two dogs, one wife, a small cape cod house, and a summer house in the Hamptons with a mistress. Wait, I know what you are thinking. Who really needs two dogs?

Life is not about simple needs, if that were the case we could get by with a mistress, six thousand a month from investment dividends and live in a miserable studio apartment in Soho. The apartment, rent free, that you just happened to inherit from your pilgrim forefathers. Life is much more than a gorgeous mistress from Ipanema and various accoutrements though. You need people to fear you and your wealth. They need to be cautiously enthusiastic and eager to serve you. Don’t settle though, you need more, evermore.

Your fence pickets are inch thick hardwood, sanded, primed and finished with no blemish. Each individual slat costs more than three times the hourly rate of more than half the nations' workers. Homeless onlookers stand and stare at the fence in disbelief for long minutes until they are hauled away by the police.

Enough about things. You must pay attention to your feelings. Happy-town residents feel the exhilaration of outrageous profit margins, whether from preposterously inflated pharmaceutical prices or hedge fund managed emergency rooms. Whatever they have stock in - be it a diamond mine in South Africa or opioid manufacturers right here in the U.S. of A., the feeling is nearly orgasmic, never karmic. There are many ways to make a killing, figuratively and literally. Residents of Happy-town feel no dread or embarrassment regarding the cash derived from the sale of weapons. The manufacturers of endless wars and the machinery needed to sustain them - from Afghanistan to Nicaragua are profiting endlessly. You can feel the comfort cash coming in, and the ability to pay one hundred thousand for a fountain pen is unspeakable.

There are however other things that must be attended to as a resident. You may be required to pay 35K for a photo op with a would be dictator or several actual ones. It is just part of the program. That’s the way it is in Happytown!

Comment:
You are so lame, I'll never invite you to the Hamptons again.
Barbara, I didn't mean for this to be about your stock in Boeing and Northrop-Grumman, or your white picket fence. It's kind of a parody that's all, really.

Interpreting The Bible - Part One

Deacon Jones Answers The Tough Ones

Dear Deacon,
I ran across this at Leviticus 27 verses 3 and 4. I know the bible is not to always be taken literally, but no matter how I try to interpret these scriptures all I get is the thought that a woman is only worth three fifths of a man. I have tried to turn it into a story, a parable, even a dream - but the only thing I see here is three fifths. I'm not to sure about this and when I brought it up to my wife she tried to hit me with the pot I bought her for Christmas. Please Deacon Jones! Help! - Jonah Forsyth, Fayetteville, OK.

Jonah, Jonah!
Will you listen? Is it not  the Lord talking? Why burden yourself with logic and what you can actually see? Stretch out with your feelings, Luke. These things were written to be adjusted to any concept your heart desires, why even the Ku-Klux-Klan use the bible to defend their criminally minded disposition. Not that you should do the same Luke, that's just an example. Also Luke try not to be so stupid as to buy a pot for a gift when you should buy your wife gold, gold and more gold - then she will show the gold to her mother and her mother will say, "This man Luke is not the bonehead I believed him to be after all."
Deacon, why do you call me Luke? My name is Jonah.
Now see here Luke, Jonah was swallowed by a whale, do you want to be swallowed by a whale? That is why they will call you Luke from now until the day you die, thus... "They called him Luke, for he did not want to be in the fish for three days only to be vomited out because he was making the fish sick". You can thank me later when you have understanding, Luke.