Where's the Yams?

The Bridge I Live Under by Ken

Eating Berries
I was eating berries off a tree, thinking how good a cheeseburger would be.
I stumbled around and stepped through the thicket, trying to find a better place to pick it.
I could go to town and be an employee because no one gives cheeseburgers for free
but what could I do, what could I be?
     I mastered the broom - but people don't use janitors anymore - they make the cashiers
sweep up the floor.
I could be a bouncer in a bar at night except that I'm skinny and don't like to fight.
I need a job that won't get me killed and does not require all that much skill.
The Army is out the National Guard too - I need something essential and true.
Something delightful - practically ebullient - along with pay that is truly relevant.
If I told you once I told you a hundred times
I'm not one for committing serious crime
so take away those drugs and pills
I won't be a pharmaceutical shill
I'd rather walk around with a shovel in my hand
with a sign that reads 
"For Food I'll Dig, Where's The Yams?"

Questions and answers.

Ginny asks:

Why are you guys at the Cosmic so rough at times?

TMITH replies:

If you want the common gruel fed to the masses you can look on any street corner or imaging unit. The cosmic is home to reality - when you come here that's what you get.

Deegan replies:

We will send you flowers since you're already dead.

Zzen replies:

For a sensitive soul such as yourself it would be good to tread lightly among the scorpions of reality. Have someone dance before you as you walk and have them playing a flute and spreading rose petals. If you can't afford that wear a blindfold, most people do.

Reynard replies:

Today we found we lost our lease and also bedbugs in the loft sleeping spaces, Zzen has been dispossessed of all his wealth and no longer drives a custom Bentley, he rides a bicycle he found in the alley. Deegan has a grouchy countenance that seems to endure good news and bad. The man in the hat's patience has run thin for the government riddles him with financial holes while letting the rich run roughshod over society. But we will be back next week with cheerfully debauched stories that will tickle your soul and pander to your springtime lusts.

Next Week: PANDERAMA!

Golden Yo-Yos

The Golden Yo-Yo by TMITH

Semi-Divine Expressions?

It is easy to claim to be receiving inspired sayings from angels. I have a book by a lady who claims that very thing. What I find fascinating is that if the lady made a the claim that she was inspired by God they would say she was a heretic or insane. No one can challenge that she is inspired by angels because it stands on no ground, which angel? Angel number seven or Bob the angel? The only way you can challenge her sayings is by paying attention to the fact that many of them are stupider* than hell. The measuring device used to determine where the utterance/inspiration originates is something no one really cares to discuss or even try to show me. Being inspired by angels is not actually a solid classification. It is nearer to being inspired by looking at a leaf very closely whilst outdoors, something on that order, very easy to claim. I on the other hand saw a vision. A vision is of a much greater magnitude in the hierarchy of inspired-ness.
I saw angels with golden Yo-Yos, each Yo-Yo emitting wonderful sounds while the angels did tricks with them. The tricks were not that great though, they were run of the mill stuff, like walk the dog and cat’s cradle. If you looked at their faces you would think they were competing for the Olympics or something, they were so intense. But the sound emanating from the Yo-Yos was awesome. The Yo-Yos themselves were solid gold Duncan Imperials**, very heavy. One of the angels faltered on a trick and the Yo-Yo slipped and hit him square in the forehead - leaving a mark, it staggered him for a moment but he got right back into it. He did an 'around the world' and went directly into a cradle without a re-launch, I must admit, that was pretty slick stuff.

*Rhymes with Jupiter, really dumb-as-shit stuff. **One of the best!

Don't Judge

Really accept. Don't whine, many wish they had half the life (or food) you do. Now just let those few brain particles you have left rest on that thought.
Okay, enough thinking, clean up in aisle seven!

Aisle Seven

"I died and went to heaven, they sent me back to clean up aisle seven"
How come people always breaking shit in aisle seven? I bet If I died on the job they would resurrect me just to clean up that broken relish jar.

"It's hard but it's fair and only the pure in heart shall survive" - Reynards grade school gym teacher just before he made everybody duck walk.

I finally bought a can of shoe polish but it just stands there staring longingly at my shoes, nothing happens.

Free Will

It is time you exercised some of that free will God gave you. If you can do it from the bottom of the slave galley chained to the oars we will really think the world of you. You go you! You can do it! Show us something!
Inspired by angels number fourteen and twenty-seven Dussen decided to make his move. The moment the centurion slipped the cabin chains from his ankles and hands he would do it.. He waited and just when his hands were free he launched himself at the guard... The guard easily sidestepped Dussen's furious but untrained attack, as Dussen flew by (totally missing) the guard took off his left arm at the elbow. Casually walking up to Dussen he then removed his right arm at the shoulder while chatting up the other galley slaves... Does anyone else have any clever thoughts they would like exorcised? Step right up. I think Dussen here has thought better of it after all... Dussen sat stunned and stupified. Were those angels he heard very clever, or even clever at all? He had his doubts - those doubts were verified when they flung him overboard and he was torn to pieces by sharks.
Gee Twenty-seven he was no fun. He fell right over. Well Fourteen maybe we should have told him to just get along and be nice to the guy with the sword. Who knows? But twenty-seven, that's so BORING!

Diamonds
Oh! How the gravity of hungry people wipes the shine off my diamonds...

In some religions if you are not suffering you cannot possibly be righteous. You are supposed to be all happy while you are doing it. That makes perfect sense to me, yep that's it.

 

Half A Million Hits/The Brightness Within

Jims Short Sighted Lament

If you had a half million hits you could have been generating some ad revenue...





Dog Eat Dog

 

The Brightness Within
When things look gloomy on the outside and "the end" looms, please remember that you have a "brightness within" that cannot be extinguished, no matter how many retarded laws are passed...

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"Professor" J. Whitborn has been fired, he no longer works here, we sent him packing, we let him go.

US - Whitborn your writing sucks!

Whit - I was just warming up!

US - Get OUT!

Whit - I was coming up with a new column, "Whit's Witticisms"!

US - We will shoot...