At Home With Adam and Eve

Religious Drama-rama

Caution: Not for easily frightened adults

Opening scene: Sounds of Adam and Eve enjoying intimacy.
Adam:  Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Ah, Ah, AAWH!
Eve:  Oh, Oh, Yes, Yes, Yes, YES, GOD, YES!
Adam:  Well, I'm not sure what to call it - but it was good.
Eve:  Uh, uh, whew! Yes, why don't you give it a name?
Adam: Maybe after I name the animals - I don't want to over exert myself. Looks like it's time to go to work now. Bye.
Adam takes about eight steps over to a small clearing. Animals have been standing there waiting to be named. There are three.
Adam: What will we name you, little slimy one? How about worm? Yes that's it. Worm. Off you go! Now you! Aren't you large and thick skinned ! How about Rhyno... Rhinoceros! Okay almost done. Finally we get to you, but you look a little warm, we'll call you a snow leopard which is odd because I've never seen snow... Alright. That about wraps it up. Bye.
Well Eve, another hard day of work completed! What fruit did you gather for me?
Eve: I didn't gather you any fruit. You are as close to it as I am. Did God deprive you of the use of your hands and arms?
Adam: Uh er, no.
Eve: Then get your own damn fruit!
Adam goes off to himself.
Adam: This is the life! I eat, do this thing with Eve, name a few animals, eat again, sleep, eat again - yeah!
God: Adam!
Adam: Is that you boss?
God: Get Eve, I have something to say.
Adam: Ok.
Adam and Eve come to a place where God can speak to them with a little less effort.
God: Here over here, this tree, do not eat any of it's fruit. Straight up. You. Will. Die. Note the periods.
Adam: But why are you putting it right in front of us if you don't want us to eat...
God: Don't ask questions! What did I tell you about asking questions?
Adam: Uh, Ok Chief!
Eve: Ok Chief!
Later
Adam: Oh, Oh, Oh, etc.
Eve: Oh, Oh, Oh, etc. About that fruit...
Adam: What about it?
Eve: Let's eat some!
Adam: I wouldn't, I think God is trying to fake us out.
Eve: I'm getting bored while you are at work. I've got nothing to do!
Adam: You could gather me some different fruits for lunch.
Eve: I'll gather you some fruit all right...
Adam: Look, I've gotta go to work.
Later that afternoon...
Satan: Pssst, hey Eve!
Eve: Well lookee here! A talking snake!
Satan: You know you want to eat that fruit, so go on and do it. Do it now. That's when the party starts!
Eve: But God said NO.
Satan: God knows you are going to eat it. I know you are going to eat it. Come on already! We are tired of waiting - watching you and Adam, it's more fun watching the baboons!
Eve: I am kind of bored, really bored.
Satan: God has pre-programmed you with all kinds of exciting behaviors, so many it will make your head spin! That fruit is the uh, "start" button! You won't be bored, I promise you that! I myself am especially looking for one of the programs' sub-routines, it's called "War".
Eve: Well okay, if you say so... war?
Satan: ...and give some to Adam too.
Eve: That's no problem I got 'em eating out of my hands already... But what about the dying part?
Satan: Come on. Everything dies, better to die once than a thousand times over from boredom... (pauses for effect)  Bored for all eternity...
Eve: For all eternity? Let me at that tree!

So it came to pass and there came to be assholes in the land - and they spread their asshole-ry to the four corners of the earth. On account of assholes filling the earth God was irritated, but not enough to actually do anything about it. Then it became 2016.