Roadbed Thru The Sea

StoryTyme!

 

Mistakenly clean shaven in New Haven I saw a raven on the beach speaking in a mysterious manner. I asked him if he would just go away – if he must continue to yammer on into the void like that. “How dare you!” he exclaimed, and came to peck out my eyes. I had just returned from tennis (a whale of a match I must say) and had my racket handy. As he lunged I performed a short overhead smash and caught him full force, breaking his neck. How could you? He gasped. "Like this", I answered and picking him up with a perfect toss I hit him with a flat serve sailing him out to sea. I then cleaned my strings, washed my hands and procured a tube steak from the hot dog man. He remarked that I shouldn't be going around killing birds like that. I looked at him in a way that let him know he would be next if he didn't mind his tongue. He looked down and begged off. I for my part relinquished my assault on the beach head and went back to my hotel room.

A fair maiden took my hand and squeezed it until money came out. We spent the afternoon lounging about. Later I went for a walk. I ran into Percival Pillbuster, the doctor I had defeated in the close tennis match described earlier. Great match Percival! I said kindly. "I'd like another go at it", he exclaimed. "I'd be more than happy to" I replied. Let's say two o’clock tomorrow afternoon? "Splendid!" he replied. I bid him adieu and proceeded to imagine his head on the raven’s body, bouncing around on the lake after I gave it a good whack.

Later, I had dinner by candlelight with Gwendoline of Kalamar. A fine lady full of character and wit, why several times I had to restrain myself from throttling her, that mouth of hers! I could strangle her to death and no jury would blame me. At the same time I could not get enough of her. Not only was she impertinently bright but she also had a cat like charm (a rather big cat) a fine figure, penetrating eyes, full lips and significant fire. I'd marry her - I considered if I did I'd be dead inside a year. There would be no "lounging about" with her. I begged her forgiveness and caught myself away just in the nick of time. Her heat might have incinerated me. Besides I have a match tomorrow, (this time I'll show no mercy). This evening belongs to Miss money squeezer, her charms are substantial but not lethal. It is an easy smooth move, reminds me of a conventional well executed volley. Move, transfer your weight inside and release...

The hot dog man sells mixed drinks by the sea at night. I order a Houdini. He doesn't recognize me. I ask him if he needs any birds whacked. He looks at me. I reassure him that I am a madman, and from that moment on we hit it off like we are brothers exchanging notes and revelries. We part and I sing a song to myself. "Forty thousand strokes and barrel, shoot me down a well oiled narrow - If I had a heart I'd shoot it with an arrow" Don't ask me, I have no idea what it means!

Submitted by our new man! PHINEAS