What If I'm A Genius?

Eggs, Swine & Heartfelt Greasy Potatoes

This unrelated graven image of Goldilocks - does not prove anything

So I was sitting around pushing the pencil aimlessly across the creamy expanse of subtly textured lineless paper (in a black bound leatherette sketch-book), when a thought passed thru some crust in my mind and suddenly occurred to me: What if I'm a fucking genius? Then I realized the sheer impossibility of calculating such a relative phenomena - so I backed off a bit and started to consider what I might have for breakfast. Ah, the eggs and swine! The heartfelt greasy potatoes! In small doses I might eat them and still live. Breakfast, that reminds me, I have a story from Phineas and here it is.

Bordello Breakfast

by PHINEAS
Walking on thru to the other side of the tracks, I paused and caught a whiff of homeless Willie. Howdy, he cried out, can you loan me five bucks! Ain't got nothing now Willie, I'll catch you next time. Next time then, God bless you! (you asshole) Willie replied. With that I moved on toward my primary goal - Velma's "Carnal Cavern" or whorehouse, depending on the vernacular. That would be something, going to one on a Sunday morning but I was not that type. What I wanted was two perfectly poached eggs, two sausage links, two slices of bacon and hash browns. I'm not sure what it is, but Velma's beats everything - even if it just the smell of the breakfast there. Just being there at that time leaves me in a trance. Velma asks, well? I say the usual. A girl comes down to the doorway, looks at me and smiles, she wants me and my money - but I want an egg. Here comes the plate - that old cafeteria style half inch thick china. The food is calling me, saying yes yes.... all for you and every minute you are in heaven... I slow myself down not to miss any of the taste droplets coming off the platter - but it is difficult to reduce my voracity and I go on and on at it... like I haven't eaten in days.
     Having finally quenched my thirst and being absolutely sated, I paid my bill with a more than ample tip, got up and left. I crossed the tracks and spotted two freshly ripened maidens on the tennis courts. Did I say freshly ripened!?? Shame on me! Perhaps it has something to do with these breakfasts, and dinners sometimes and lunch every now and then...then a massage upstairs

Phineas has never been to a whorehouse, nor has he even (knowingly) seen one...

Too Easy! Trumplodytes Unite!

Tired Staff Syndrome

Trump Grabs Conservatives by their essentials, and they love it!

This election season it's not easy to pick something off the beaten path so the staff came up with this - uh, stuff. Yes it's weak and I know they spent the rest of the day playing golf or tennis, but you have to admit this election season has been - brutal. They need a rest.
We'll be back with something juicy - soon. I promise -  Love, Bob

You have got to understand Trump supporters from the over simplified fear that drives them and the hate that results from that fear. It's a one two punch that is very difficult to break down.

Conservative Christians and Donald Trump

Conservative Christians - Three Out Of Four Vote For DT?

Into The Abyss!

Donald Is A Test From God

Who will stop the demon Hillary? We need Donald to save the babies!
Could not God save the babies without so much as a blink? So why does God need Donald?
God needs us to trust Donald and Putin too! Nobody is too imperfect to do his will. God even likes Steve Bannon!

Can't God stop Hillary by himself? Why is it every time God needs something done he has to get Donald to do it? Can't he do anything on his own?

Of course he can, he just doesn't do anything directly anymore.

I'm perplexed. Was there something wrong with interacting directly with man?

God stop doesn't want to be too obvious. That's why he appears to do nothing to stop evil men. But he does stop evil men! 
How is that exactly? Stalin, Pol Pot, among others - they killed millions!
God stopped them, in his own time.
What the hell are you talking about?
Are they not dead?

Life Tips From Mike!

Reasonable application of said tips at user discretion, The Cosmic assumes no legal, moral or scientific obligation heretofore.

Quit Complaining, Blasphemer!

Stop Whining Against God, He's Doing The Best He Can!

commentary...

Donald Trump is the best rightwing Jesus could come up with. Otherwise it's Hillary and her Benghazi stew and basic human rights for (eww!) Blacks and gays and muslims and lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!
Stop complaining. Complaining against God or his chosen one is blasphemy, it's in the bible my friends.

Yes, he is a scum sucking pig but he is God's choice - the one sent to stop the demoness from hell, you must love him otherwise God himself will strike you with a pestilence! It may be blood, frogs, locusts or worse - HIGHER TAXES! That's right, you might pay for some old lady to have a meal now that's she's half blind and can no longer work at McDonalds. Hell, you might have to buy her a cardboard box to live in along with two and a half packs of ramen noodles... Goddamn! Nevermind the trillion dollars you pay to bomb some poor goat-herder south of Aleppo. God is ok with that. But just let that old lady try eating some fish!

Questions from Readers:
I have been in a coma for three years, I awakened today at St Fred's Hospital to see Donald Trump on TV in an ad as the republican Presidential Candidate. I am a conservative. I'm hardworking, gun toting and bible thumping, Does Donald thump the bible?

Sure he does, can't you tell by the fruit he bears?

Could God straighten up all this political mess if he so choosed?
The Cosmic answers: If he chose to he could make you decide to use proper grammar. Hah! But seriously. Sure he could, but how much fun would that be? What do you want? To see reasonable adults talking rationally about complex problems faced by modern society? Oh come on.

Fond Memory - Number Three

Taking a moment away from our ____ idiot prone world, Ken takes a wistful look at the past...

My First Love-s

Kindergarten

She was my first girlfriend and lollipop cute. I remember her on the swings. Our eyes met and in that instant I was hers and she was mine. I yearned for her, I knew not why. It was bliss. Then I met her big ugly sister. Looking at me with disdain, straw colored hair, cold grey eyes and moon shaped freckled face. She scared the hell out of me. I cringed. You people! She said with that face. How could Donna, with the soft dark hair, deep brown eyes and shiny cream colored skin - have such an ugly looking sister? Oh woe, Donna! There was nothing else to be done. I had to end it for I could not deal with her huge fierce looking sister under any circumstance or condition. I could have been braver, but our romance was off limits according to Bob Jones University and it was too much work in general to get around that monstrous third grader. Thus, our twenty five minute romance was cut short - and rather abruptly. On the positive side I never saw her sister again

My next love was not until years later, two to be exact. Her name was Barbara and where Donna's skin was light cream, Barbara's was deep dark chocolate, smooth and tight. I was engulfed in flames again, but she did not know what to make of me and neither did I… I rode to her house about three and a half blocks away on my twenty two inch red, white and black Sears coaster bike. I looked at her front window hoping she might see me, waited around for maybe three minutes, made another slow pass then turned around and rode away. That was about the extent of our torrid affair. It would be four years before I made any attempt to love again.

The Almost Repaired Amp

 Many many years later I found out that Barbara’s father was a TV repairman. I got his number and he almost fixed an old tube type stereo amplifier I had, it looked kind of like the illustration above, it was a beast! Small world indeed. If you were wondering - no I did not try to rekindle anything - actually it was a little embarrassing on some random level. Barbara was not even around and her younger sister was eyeballing me - but I was there on strict business.