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| Two pencil panels of Kens 1974 outer space adventure "Arik Lycar" - words added by Deegan in 2013 |
In Heaven...
I got to heaven, the hell if I know how. I took my place before God. I was worried about how my feet looked, years of tennis, injuries and imbalances had taken their toll. My feet were so ugly just looking at them would hurt your feelings. Callouses, corns, bunion like bulges and crooked toes, it hurts just thinking about them.In heaven no one wears shoes, so indeed I felt pressure and was afraid. So the first thing I say to God is, "I'm sorry, what about my feet?" He says, "No one is worried about your feet here, see for yourself, your feet are fine! I looked down. There just below my ankles - were two perfectly well shaped feet that reminded me of my youth. "Well? What do you think?". I paused for a second and said: "I think they should be a little plumper, you know, slightly thicker". (I always wanted my feet to look a little stronger.) "Oh really?" God said. He motioned a nearby courtier. They spoke in hushed tones.
Now if you have things that work they don't bother fixing them, I for my part have always had acute hearing, my friends would say that I had "X-ray" hearing! So God and the courtier spoke silently - but I heard every word they said...
God: How the hell did this asshole get in here?
Courtier: He was on the list.
God: Who made the list?
Courtier: You did sir.
God: Good God, I must have been tired that day. Well, we have to get him out of here!
Courtier: You can't break your own rules sir, the only way to get him out is to put him back on earth with ten years of good health.
God: All right! Do it! Just get him out of my sight!
Courtier: You got it boss!
God: Don't call me boss!
The Courtier comes over to me, smiling. God has decided to give me another chance! I'm going back to earth all alive and well! I think to myself "Wow, the bullshit never stops does it, not even in heaven!"
So, that is why my feet are so pretty, if you don't believe me ask God yourself. Tell him Bob sent you.
...submitted by Deegan with TMITH
You are never really poor...
Just hungry all the time, ill clothed and unsheltered. God is with you, except where it would mean something to your disease ridden flesh crawling with biting insects. Hey, don't be so negative. Look on the bright side. This won't go on forever and by the look of you it won't be going on for more than a week or two.Notes:
1. Count your chickens before they find out you are illegally raising them in your backyard.2. Cut your grass with a grass cutting machine for once, those goats stink and the lawn is never even.
3. Before you show up next time, wash your clothes in some hot soapy water, same with your body.
Sally left this in her neighbors post box, but knowing he has a gun, I removed it.
I Can't Get...
My Wall Street terminologies straight.Is it "Wall Street Traders", or "Wall Street Traitors"
Is a junk bond simply junk, or toxic waste?
Is it a derivative, or a dirigible (like the Hindenburg)
If an individual traitor steals your money, we can stop him, but if they all do it together in unison we call it an "economic meltdown"...
Armageddon is where God shows all you assholes how pissed off he really is.
He is going to show you just how mad you make him.
My therapist thinks God has anger issues. No more than anyone else I guess......
